October 28, 2011

Here is Part 2 of my testimony, written one year after J's fatal car accident.  Some may say that standing in front of a room of over 300 people to share this story while having tears (and snot) running down their face, would be the most difficult thing they could ever do.  However, I would argue that this moment paled in comparison to standing before J's casket and peering in at the man who had been my husband for over 6 years.  After living in disbelief for 5 days, my nightmare became a reality.  If God could bring me through that moment, He could bring me through anything.  This is the tearful testimony that I gave at the 'Tis So Sweet Widows Conference at Bell Shoals Baptist Church.

Close to the Heart of God: My Testimony as of October 28, 2011

October 11, 2010.  The day began just like any other Monday.  Our family went through all the regular morning routines, complete with running behind schedule.  I helped my husband, JW, load the boys into his car, took a few seconds to kiss him goodbye, and wished him a good day.  Everything about that day was normal, moving along completely as we had planned.  I went on to my school, while he headed towards his.  Two hours later, when my principal walked into my classroom, I had absolutely no reason to believe her visit was anything but ordinary.  However, that was the moment when my carefully planned life began to unravel.  At that point all we knew was JW never showed up at work, and we couldn’t find him.  Immediately, I remembered the last time I saw him, our boys were with him.  Upon calling the sitter, I felt instant relief to hear they were at her house, playing in the next room.  But, I was still left worrying and wondering as to the whereabouts of my JW.  Instinctively, I knew something was very wrong, because this was so out of character for him.  My mind began wandering as I thought about our plans to purchase a home the following week, our dreams of watching the boys grow up in that home, and our future plans for more children.  After what seemed to be the longest hour of my life, all of these dreams came crashing down around me as the detective walked into my principal’s office to deliver the heart-wrenching news.  Shortly after dropping the boys off at the sitter’s, my husband’s car was pushed into the path of an oncoming truck when another driver failed to stop at a stop sign. His death was instant.  In that moment, life, as I knew it, changed forever. 

I don’t feel as if I can talk about this journey without saying more about my boys.  At the time of the accident, my oldest son, Jayden was 3 ½ and little Jackson was 16 months old.  In the beginning days it was very difficult for me to care for my children, not because of the enormity of my grief, but because I never had to be on my own before.  Their daddy was such a vital part of everything we did.  Having the same teaching schedule meant we were almost always together as a family.  I simply didn’t know how to be a single parent.  Family and friends did a wonderful job of helping me figure out our new “normal,” but the help soon faded away.  A few months after the accident, I really began to feel alone.  I went through a phase of feeling completely and utterly inadequate to raise my boys without the support of their father.  I kept thinking this isn’t how a family is supposed to look.  This was a very dark and painful time for me.  I often felt as if I was being sucked under the waves of great sorrow over the loss of their father.  One of the Scriptures which speaks directly to my heart on this matter is Isaiah 40:11, “He tends His flocks like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”  I am so blessed to have an all-knowing God, Who cares so much about His children, He “gently leads” me in the ways of godly parenting.  The Lord promises to be a Father to the fatherless, and there has never been a better Father.  One who gathers my sweet boys up in His arms and carries them close to His heart.  I know there is nothing I can do to change what happened to their daddy, but I never ever want my boys to feel as if they lost their mommy, too.  When they reflect on their childhood, I want it to be full of happy memories, despite this tragedy.  Only through the Lord’s strength can I make this possible.  The highlight of this year was on August 22^nd when Jayden asked Jesus to come into his heart to wash away his sins!  This child has such a tender heart and an unusually profound understanding of the simplicity of our faith. I had tears streaming down my cheeks as I pictured his daddy standing in an arena cheering louder than anyone else as HIS boy began his own race of faith.  Oh, what a glorious sight that must have been!

A common phrase that a recent widow will often hear is, “Try not to make any major decisions in the first year.”  Well, I would like to coin my own phrase, which more accurately describes my situation, maybe some of you can relate: “Death Demands Decision.”  I have just passed over the year milestone, and I can honestly say that I’ve made bigger decisions in the last year than in the 29 previous…combined.  I realize that every story is different, but when death unexpectedly disrupted my life at such a young age, I was left having to figure out what to do all on my own.  Like many other young couples, JW and I had never really talked about what would happen if one of us died.  We were simply enjoying life as the parents of two small boys.  Our biggest concerns were potty training, teething, sleepless nights, sick children, and juggling it all while working full time.  As I said previously, we were in the process of purchasing a home.  I had to make an immediate decision regarding that home.  Ultimately I did not purchase it, which brought on another wave of grief at the loss of the dreams we had already visualized.  For someone like me, who has always struggled with making decisions, this has been the most difficult aspect of the journey.  I have sought godly advice from many sources, but the final decision always falls into my lap.  What do I think will be the best choice for the future of my little boys?  What a huge responsibility! Recently, the Lord placed a few verses on my heart to remind me that I never have to make these decisions alone.  Proverbs 3:5-6 are words I memorized as a very little girl, but have developed a new meaning this year. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”    

One of the questions a person may ask in the aftermath of such a great tragedy is, “Where was God when all of this happened?”  I can tell you exactly where God was on October 11^th.  He was in JW's car, sitting in the passenger seat, cradling my beloved in his final moments on this earth, then escorting him to Heaven. He was with the other drivers as the realization of what had just happened set in. He was with the officers and examiners as they went about their gruesome routine. He was with the pastors and all of our friends and loved ones as they heard the news.  He was with the detective, who had the dreaded task of finding me and telling me what happened. And then, He was with me, holding me closer than I'd ever been held before, comforting me, strengthening me, and above all, loving me. Same as He is right now. I may never understand why all of this had to happen, but I can rest assured that God has been here through it all, guiding my path when I'm strong enough to walk, and carrying me when I'm not.  God’s Word promises in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I can’t think of a better description of widowhood than “brokenhearted” and “crushed in spirit.”  Yes, indeed, He holds me close to His heart.

From the very beginning of this tragedy, I chose to dwell on the blessings the Lord has provided and continues to provide in the midst of my grief.  Maybe it was the realization of how easily I also could have lost the boys.  Or maybe it was looking back on all of the sweet memories of our 6 ½ years of marriage.  Or maybe it was the knowledge that he felt no pain.  At some point in this journey I reminded myself that on that fateful morning, my beloved met our Creator.  In the blink of an eye, he no longer saw the road ahead of him, but our Lord in all His glory.  The worst day of my life, was the best day of his.  In a Bible study I am attending, I was reminded that because I am a child of God, He offers me the gift of hope, assuring me that GOD will be faithful to perfectly fulfill His purpose even in these things I cannot see.  I have held onto all of these precious truths, as they really do ease some of the heartache.

As Christians, our purpose is to bring glory to God in all that we say and do.  To be perfectly and perhaps painfully honest, I can’t say that I was living out that purpose a year ago.  However, God has used this tragedy to bring me into complete reliance of Him.  As I stand here before you today, I don’t want you to think I am anything greater than anyone else in this room.  I am not, but God is.  I want my life, my pain, my sorrow, my grief, and my joy to all reflect His glory.  HE is the One who is bringing me through this impossible situation, HE is the One who holds my future, HE is the One who deserves ALL my praise.  I truly believe the events of October 11^th had to happen in order for God to receive the maximum glory in my life.  He has given all of us a story to tell, and I no longer want to remain silent.  30 years is long enough, my only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. 

Without dragging this out too much longer, I want to say I realize my journey is far from over, I’m still an infant compared to some.  Reaching the one year milestone doesn’t mean things are magically better.  Personally, I don’t believe that will happen until it is my turn to meet Jesus.  But in the midst of my grief, I have felt a closeness to the Lord, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  He truly is close to the brokenhearted.  The times I feel closest to the Lord are when I am praising Him through song, since so many of the words we sing feel as if they were written just for me.  I want to conclude by quoting some verses which so eloquently describe my reason for singing.  Psalm 30:11-12 says, “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may SING to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.”