HIS Story Behind MY Story

This is one of those posts where I really have no idea where to begin, since there is so much on my heart at this moment.  I guess I'll just keep typing and praying that the Lord will speak through me.  I will be revealing some things from my heart that very few people know, so bear with me.  After hearing Pastor Stephen Rummage's message this morning about being a living link between Jesus and people who need to hear about Him, I couldn't help but feel the Lord's confirmation on this next step in my life.  I had already planned to share my heart with the beautiful women in the Morning Glories Bible Fellowship class after the service, but God changed my notes.  (Why did I write those out, anyway?)  So, the best place to start, is at the beginning. 

This is the story behind the story:

I moved to Florida in July 2003 after graduating from college in Illinois.  I was tired of winter, and ready for some sun!  I experienced my very first GOC (Global Outreach Celebration) in October of that year.  This is a week long event at church in which we show our love and support to our missionaries serving all over the world.  We also have a call to missions or ministry for all of the church attendees.  What most people don't know, is that I went forward on the last night of this event to commit to a life of ministry to the Lord.  At that point, I had no idea what He wanted me to do, but I assumed it would be teaching overseas or something like that.  Less than a month later, J and I had our first date.  Then, six weeks after that date, we were engaged!  Yes, I know it was fast, but isn't it neat to see how the Lord works in our lives?  Over the next several years, as I would think about that commitment I had made, I felt guilty for not following through.  Then, one day, I forgot about it completely. 

Let's fast forward a little bit now.  As you know, in October of 2010, JW was killed in a car accident.  The next year following that accident was filled with great heartache and pain as I remembered the man he was, and missed him greatly.  Yet, the Lord was so faithful to provide comfort and strength in my weakest points of sorrow.  He truly carried me through those days. 

Moving forward a little more, to October of 2011, I was given the opportunity to share my testimony a few times, as well as co-lead a workshop about grieving children during the Tis So Sweet Conference for Widows at our church.  As I prepared notes for this event, I continually felt Satan trying to attack.  He fed all sorts of lies to me, but the most significant one was that I was not adequate enough to be teaching other widows only a year after becoming a widow myself.  As I prayed for the Lord to provide the courage and strength to stand in front of a room of other widows, as well as give my testimony to 300+ deacons, wives, and widows, He led me to a verse that was highlighted directly in front of my nose.  Isaiah 54:4-5, "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  For your Maker is your husband--the Lord Almighty is His name--the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth."  WOW!!!!  Once again I was awed at how He can speak directly to what is burdening my heart.  Satan was right, I AM inadequate, but that is what allows Christ's strength in me to shine all the brighter.  It is certainly no strength of my own that allows me to speak my heart to others, it's all HIM.  So, as I stood in front of this room full of deacons, their wives, ministerial staff, and sister widows, my new purpose was birthed.  :o)

Over these last few months since October (I want to make a note that I don't think it's a coincidence that all of these events happened in October.  I should begin to expect great things for that month!) that new purpose or passion has been ignited as God reminded me of that commitment from long ago.  I believe the Lord set the ball in motion with that blessed first date.  I had no idea what was in store for my life, but HE did.  He does have a ministry, or at least a mission field for me, but it's not going overseas to teach.  It's right here, where I live, in this community.  Yet, my mission field is unique.  I could never have been fully equipped to reach out to this unique demographic had I not experienced these last 8 years of my life.  What's my mission field, you ask?  I'll bet you didn't need to ask, but thought I'd throw that in there!  My mission field is the ever growing population of young widows.  Those sweet women who, like myself, lost their precious husbands all too soon.  Many of them have small children, but some were never granted that opportunity.  These beautiful, hurting women are on my heart today, as they are every day.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5 is my purpose for ministering to these women. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

If you read my Facebook status a few minutes ago, you saw that I mentioned I had reached another milestone today.  At the end of the service, Pastor gave an illustration about a young girl who heard a message similar to the one I heard this morning, then was involved in a car accident on her way home.  While she was in a coma for a few days, her mother was by her side fervently praying over her.  When she awoke, her mother said that she had the opportunity to lead the other mother and daughter in the bed next to hers to the Lord.  The girl's response was, "Thank God for my car wreck."  It is with tears in my eyes, yet joy filling my heart, that I say, "Thank you, God for my husband's car accident."  I am pretty sure that JW's death has saved my life.  God certainly has a greater purpose in this than I will ever know, but I am willing to walk the road He has laid before me.

What's the next step?  My church, Bell Shoals Baptist Church has a phenomenal widows ministry called the Morning Glories.  Over the last few months, I have been working with some of the leaders of this group of beautiful women.  We are so pleased to announce the newest dimension of our ministry is beginning on February 21st.  We will begin a GriefShare group for young widows.  This group will be used as a way to reach out to other women in our community who have lost their husbands way too soon.  Our goal is to point them to Jesus, the Source of true comfort, while we build special relationships.  So many people have stepped up to help us in this project.  We have a Bible Fellowship Class who has so lovingly offered to provide free child care to all the women who attend.  Even today another prayer request was answered as someone offered to let us use their home for our meetings.  Praise God, He is so GOOD!!!

I am humbled that God would choose me for this ministry.  My heart is certainly willing, but my flesh is absolutely weak.  My prayer is that He alone would be glorified in all that I do.  Please keep us in your prayers as we begin this new outreach.  I know Satan is going to do whatever he can to knock us down, or keep women from coming.  In Jesus' name, I pray that he will be bound from the leadership team as well as the participants.  I'm going to end with a verse that is so sweet to me, as this new adventure has been prayed over since before I even began my own journey of widowhood.  2 Corinthians 1:11b, "Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 

In the Middle of the Forest

I just finished watching Disney's The Fox and the Hound with Jayden.  I can't remember if I've ever seen it before, but I know it was his first time.  In case you haven't seen it, here is the basic plot.  An orphaned baby fox finds its way into the heart of a sweet older woman, who cares for it in her home.  Meanwhile, the cantankerous hunter who lives next door brings home a hound puppy.  The two little fellas become fast friends. . . . I think you can see where this is going.  Anyway, the fox keeps sneaking out and causing mischief at the hunter's house.  One such trip ends disastrously as the older hunting dog nearly dies.  The hunter swears that he is going to kill the fox.  So, this sweet woman has to make the difficult choice to release her fox deep in the forest in an effort to protect him from harm.  By this time, the younger hound has turned on the fox, as he too wants to see the fox destroyed. 

At this point in the movie, my tenderhearted son was in tears.  He just couldn't understand why this woman would leave the little fox all by himself in the woods.  Being the creative mind that I tend to be, I began to think of my own life while watching this movie.  (Granted, I have a lot less fur, don't walk on all fours, and don't have strange men hunting me down with guns!)  Our lives can be moving along just as smoothly as one could hope.  Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, we live our lives as good as we can, but there's something we won't hand over to the Lord.  In my own life, I always wanted to please everyone: God, my parents, my teachers, my friends.  I did the right things because I knew that's what God demanded, and I hated being in trouble.  I was your typical "goody-two-shoes."  But there was something missing.  I wasn't flirting with danger, or breaking the rules as the little fox was, but I wasn't devoting my life solely to the Lord, either.  When you really think about it, isn't that just as bad, or WORSE??  Christ didn't call us to live a life of mediocrity, rather a life completely sold out for Him.  [I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth. Revelation 3:15-16]  I was holding back my very life, unable to release its control to the Lord.

What happens when we find ourselves in this rut of complacency?  God allows us to experience the fire.  [Therefore this is what the Lord Almighty says: "See, I will refine and test them, for what else can I do because of the sin of my people?" Jeremiah 9:7]  In the movie, this would be the part when the woman dropped the fox off all alone in the heart of the forest.  Everyone has a different story of how this may have transpired in their own life.  For me it was those months following my husband's death. (I want to be very clear that I do not believe God allowed J to die because I had sinned.  I believe that He allowed J to die because the many events following his death have brought glory to the Lord.)  A few months after he died many of my supporters went back to their daily routines, and I was left to pick up the pieces that had once been my life.  I felt like that little fox.  All alone, with a mess of my life, and no one to turn to.  Ah, but I DID have someone to turn to!  Thankfully, I had known this Someone my entire life, so I knew exactly who He was.  It was in these dark moments of feeling completely and utterly alone, that I began to see how much my Savior loved me.  He saw every ugly thought, every unkind word, every dirty look, every selfish desire, every ulterior motive.  He saw it all, and He loved me all the same.  When I am in the midst of heartache I often run first to my friends.  Friends can only help so much, and truthfully some left me feeling disappointed and even rejected.  Yet, every time I turned to the Lord, I knew that He wouldn't disappoint or reject me, no matter how many times I failed.  [If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9]  And believe me, there have been (and continue to be) plenty of failing moments on my part.  He accepts me, loves me, and forgives me, despite my weaknesses. 

It's important to note that during the fox's stay in the forest, he ran into great trouble which nearly cost him his life.  But at the same time, he also received tremendous blessings.  God didn't just allow my husband to die, and then after a few days of feeling the fire, my life went back to normal.  There were many months of intense heartache.  As I began to realize each new facet of that which I lost, I would experience the grieving process all over again.  My heart was troubled, and the relief wasn't immediate.  Why didn't God make everything all better?  Well, for one thing, He wasn't going to allow my J to come back to me.  But then, would that have made everything all better?  In the beginning I thought so, but I know better now.  Instead, He knew that I needed to experience this heart wrenching agony in order to purify some of the ugliest parts of me.  Those areas of my life are still in need of intense purification, but through His grace, I've come a long way.  [Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4]  Let's not forget about the blessings during this period of time.  Sometimes we are so intent on surviving our trials, that we miss these precious gifts the Lord provides us.  I know I missed some of these gifts, however these days of reflection have increased my awareness of each tender moment.

For those of you who have been following my rantings on facebook, you may notice I like to finish each note with an application, or a "So, what?" :o) Here it is: in the Christian life we are promised to face trials and heartaches.  We may experience different degrees of pain and suffering, but it's guaranteed.  However, it's important to note that God allows these difficult circumstances in our lives because He knows that it will be for our benefit, not our harm.  He never does things to hurt us, but He allows the pain to enter our lives for the purpose of purifying that area which we refuse to relinquish our control.  [And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28]  After confessing these areas to the Lord, we need to focus on what He wants us to learn through the pain.  Oh, and don't forget to look for the subtle blessings He places along the way.  In case you're wondering, the movie does have a happy ending.  After the fox saves the hunter and hound from the attack of a bear, the hound in turn protects the fox from the hunter.  After a change of heart, they go back home, as the fox (and his new lady friend) live safely in the forest.  There will be a happy ending for those of us who have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior, too!  If not here, definitely in Heaven!  Oh, how I long for the day when my faith shall be sight!         

It's About Time!

Well, this blog is LONG overdue!  I regret not starting it sooner, but I'm thrilled to begin the process of sharing my story.  We all have a story to share, no matter what the details are.  My hope and prayer through this site, is that someone else will be able to connect with something I have experienced.  I want to share how even though God has allowed me to navigate through some very difficult days, that's not the end of my story!  Praise God!  I have seen the hand of God at work through each of these difficulties.  He has not deserted me, rather He's carried me through the storm. 

The title of this blog, A New Song, comes straight from Psalm 40.  Whenever I quote scripture, I will write out the passage, so that no one needs to have a Bible in their hand.  Who knows, you may not own one.  If that's the case, let me know, you can have one of mine.

Psalm 40:1-3 says:
1) I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2) He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3) He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, so many things I LOVE about these verses.  Really, the entire chapter is a beautiful hymn of praise to the Lord.  First of all, I notice that David is waiting patiently for the Lord to rescue him.  As Christians, we will face many different kinds of trials in our lives.  So often, we want the Lord to give us an immediate resolution to the problem, or relief of the pain.  But sometimes, it is in those dark days that the Lord is able to grant some of the richest blessings we will ever know.  It doesn't mean He's not there.  He IS there, ALL the time.  When we find ourselves waiting for relief, we need to ask ourselves, "What is the Lord trying to teach me through this process?"  In my personal experience, I can think of a few reasons that I have been granted the long and treacherous road of widowhood.  The number one reason was to bring me back to my knees at the throne of God.  I've been a believer of God as long as I can remember, but was not living my life to the glory of God.  As C.S. Lewis says, "You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.  Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief." I think the defining moment in my journey was even before I knew J had died.  When I knew he was missing, realized the boys were with him, and thought I had lost EVERYTHING, I heard the words over the phone from his grandmother, "the boys are right here."  At that moment, I believed that God would bring me through whatever road was laid out before me, because He had delivered my boys from harm.  An hour later, when I learned that my J had not survived the car accident, I found myself in that slimy pit mentioned above.  I knew the only way out was through the Lord's help.  Believe me, I cried out to the Lord!  Just as the psalm says, "He turned to me and heard my cry."  Praise God, He doesn't leave us in the pit forever!

The other reason I believe the Lord granted the journey of widowhood to me is to help others.  I will share more about this in a future post.  Each of us will experience difficulties in this life.  When we do, we can choose to wallow in self pity (which may be necessary for a time), or rise up from the ashes and encourage others going through their own impossible situation.  This would be my purpose in becoming a blogger.  My time of wallowing is over, and I want to share my story with the hopes that it will point others to Jesus, our true Comforter.  After all, this is our sole purpose on this earth.  If even one person benefits from the message the Lord has given me, I will count this loss for His gain.  May His glory always be my desire.

There is no way I can leave us hanging here.  We must move on to my favorite part of this passage.  When God rescues us from deep despair, not only does He give us a firm place to stand on THE Rock,  but he puts a new song in our mouth.  I have always loved singing, but never has the message been more vivid to me than the last 15 months.  I feel as if each hymn or song of worship was written for me.  For those of you who know me real well, you know how much I enjoy being a member of our church choir.  I count it an honor to be able to sing each week with fellow believers who are also journeying through difficult situations.  My reason for singing is because I have seen the Lord working throughout every detail of this journey, and I want to give back my praise to Him.  It's not about me (I'm not that great of a singer, anyway!), It's all about HIM!

So, there you have it . . . I am officially a blogger!  I pray the Lord will receive all the glory for everything I post on here.  Just to warn you, there will be times of sharing my heartache, as well as sharing my joys.  I will do this to paint a picture in your mind of how great our God truly is.  He has brought me from the slimy pit, to the firm Rock with "A New Song" in my mouth.