As I was looking back through some of the notes I have posted on Facebook over the last year and a half, I realized that some of you may not be familiar with my story. While reading through these, I noticed something rather interesting. This particular note was written only a few weeks after J's accident on October 11, 2010. Little did I know that I would have the opportunity to share my testimony exactly one year later to a group of over 300 sister widows, deacons and wives, and ministerial staff. Some parts of the notes may be similar, but I want you to see the healing the Lord provided to me over the course of that first year. This is proof that we have a loving, compassionate and faithful God who is not only Sovereign in all things, but truly close to the brokenhearted.
Here is my story as of October 28, 2010:
"It was a normal Monday morning, or so I thought, when my principal showed up in my classroom. Of course I got a little nervous, since I wasn't sure why she was there, and it looked important. Did I forget to do something or turn something in? :) After I was finished, she told me that my husband's school called and said J never showed up to work. If you knew my husband, you would know that that is NOT like him, so I panicked. I immediately assumed the worst, although I never imagined anything like this. I went outside to make phone calls. First to his phone, nothing. Then I called his grandmother, who said she had the boys. A huge weight was instantly lifted off my shoulders...my babies were safe. But where was my husband? My principal and I sat in her office for an hour trying to make phone calls to see where he was, but no one would tell us anything. By this time it was 11 am. That was when my world changed forever. The detective walked into her office. She didn't even have time to close her door when he told me the news. I will never forget his words, or the look on my principal's face as she turned around. It confirmed that she heard the same thing I had heard. My heart was torn in two. Not my husband, not my boys' daddy, not the week before we were supposed to buy a house, not now, not ever.
At that point I was numb. Several came in and out of the office, including my pastors, before we realized that we had to let his family know. They were still out looking for him. I think the hardest thing I've ever had to do was tell his grandparents what had happened. The rest of the day was a blur of visitors and details I can hardly remember, although the day seemed to last a lifetime.
I know it's only been a few weeks, but I've already come to realize several things. First, I realize that God is in control and has a plan. Second, He doesn't make mistakes. He never promised that we would like His plan, or that it would be easy, but I am taking comfort in knowing that I'm not in control. Third, I've realized that living in the world of "what ifs" doesn't help. For some reason God had chosen 8 am on 10-11-10 as the time for my husband to come Home. It would have happened no matter where he was or what he was doing. If you were at the service, you may remember the pastor saying "why did JW have to die this way?" Of course, I don't know WHY, but I certainly have come to see many blessings in HOW it happened. For one thing, he was driving on a road that I have never been on before that week, which means I don't have to drive past it everyday. I praise God that my children were not with him, especially after finding out that the force of impact caused Jayden's carseat (which was behind the driver's seat) to snap in half. I am also grateful that he felt no pain, what a blessing to know that he did not suffer. The detective said he never knew the third vehicle hit him.
So, what about the other drivers? I don't know why the first driver didn't stop at the stop sign, but I do know that none of us are perfect. While her mistake cost me everything, we have all made mistakes while driving. Even though I'm still working on forgiveness, my heart goes out to her. As for the third driver, I had the privilege of meeting him after the funeral. He is so torn up with grief over this whole mess, but I do not blame him for what happened. He works with the youth at his church, many of whom are former students of my husband.
I know this is getting long, but I wanted to share my story with all of you. I feel so blessed to have been married to my sweet J for 6+ years, I only wish it could have been longer. I can honestly say that I am a better person for having him in my life. He was such an incredible man. I am so proud of all he accomplished in his short 33 years. We never knew just how much of an impact he had on this community. How touching to see his students, and those who knew him, sharing stories of how he affected their lives. He was such a passionate man, who focused all that energy towards teaching the Truth about our country's history to anyone who would listen (and sometimes not listen). He was a man of intelligence, integrity, but most of all a man of God. I know that on Monday morning, as he was standing before the Throne of God, he heard our Lord say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant." I will spend the rest of my life missing him, but all the while looking forward to seeing him again in Heaven. Such a beautiful promise!
I write all of this to say that even while going through the worst experience of my life, I can truly say I AM BLESSED."
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