April 27, 2011

This is another note I had written on Facebook last year.  This marks the 6 month milestone of my journey through grief.  I love how the Lord has used different events in my life over the last 9 years to remind me of the same truths.  I guess some of us just take longer than others to figure some things out.

April 27, 2011:

I think I am long overdue for writing another note.  The last couple of days have been a bittersweet time of sorting through boxes from our office.  There was so much packed into that small room at the condo, yet I am downsizing it to a closet!  So, the purging has been in full force.  I wanted to share a few of the things that I have come across.  They really spoke to my heart and were so neat that I wanted to share it with my  friends, too.  So, here goes...

First, I came across an old journal of mine.  I read the first entry written just after I moved to FL.  I will spare you all of the details, but it began with this quote from Elisabeth Elliot, "When God takes something away, He always puts something better in its place."  I go on to talk about some of the things that I felt as if I had lost prior to my move, then the opportunities that I had already begun to see in the few weeks since I had moved.  This part I will quote, "I am awed at how a life can change so drastically in such a short period of time.  I may not fully see the new path until I am old and gray, but I can already see the exciting journey I have just begun.  This all opens my eyes to the fact that my life is not my own, therefore I need to live each day to the fullest, seeking what God desires for my daily life and knowing that He will see me through each and every trial."  The entry date was July 13, 2003.  I had no idea how true those words would become just 8 years later.

The second thing I came across was a book that belonged to J.  I'm not sure when he received it, but it was long before he met me.  I'm thinking it may have been a graduation gift?  Anyway, the book is titled "Armed and Dangerous, Straight Answers from the Bible" compiled by Ken Abraham.  It contains a list of topics with verses to match each.  I quickly looked through to see if J had marked in the book at all.  I found a few places that were highlighted.  The first section was on the topic of "grief."  He had highlighted the following verses: 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."  I have heard these verses several times over the last 6 months.  They are definitely comforting verses for anyone who has lost a loved one who was a Christ-follower.  But, this was an interesting find for me because J never really experienced the loss of a loved one who he knew was a believer.  I honestly don't know when he would have highlighted that passage, or why.  This was a sweet gift the Lord left for me, in J's highlighter, to remind me that my grieving has the hope of knowing that he is alive and well, living a life of service in the presence of our Lord.  This was a special encouragement, because it felt like it came straight from J.  Anyone who has been on this journey knows how priceless these moments are.

A few weeks ago was the 6 month milestone.  That was a very difficult week for me, but not only because of the milestone.  On April  11th (exactly 6 months after the accident) our church sent out a team to Tallahassee to meet with some of our state legislators.  This was the first time that I experienced the emotions of knowing exactly what he would have been doing at that time.  I was really struggling with the knowledge that this team was feeling J's loss in a powerful way.  I found myself crying out to God, asking what sense there was in taking him so early when he could have had an impact on so many more people.  Almost immediately, I felt the Lord saying, "I have a greater purpose."  I have no idea what that purpose is or how it will unfold, but I came away from this valley in my journey with two wonderful realizations.  1) God no longer needs J to carry out His plan, as his purpose here on earth has already been fulfilled.  The Lord's work can be completed through other people, who may not have had the opportunity to serve while J was still here.  2) Just what I felt the Lord tell me, "He has a greater purpose."  While I don't know what all this entails, I have an idea that somehow He is going to use me to fulfill this purpose.  

As I look back to the quote from my journal entry, I see another chapter in my life about to unfold.  "I am awed at how a life can change so drastically in such a short period of time.  I may not fully see the new path until I am old and gray, but I can already see the exciting journey I have just begun.  This all opens my eyes to the fact that my life is not my own, therefore I need to live each day to the fullest, seeking what God desires for my daily life and knowing that He will see me through each and every trial."  I never could have imagined what trials I was going to face, yet those words are just as true today as they were 8 years ago.