Grief as My Teacher

As the next few days have been creeping ever closer, I've had so much on my mind.  I knew I wanted to write a blog this week, but I wasn't sure what to say.  This may be one of the more difficult blogs for me to write as I reflect on some of my darkest days throughout this journey we call 'Grief.'  October 11th marks the day when this journey began, two years ago.  The last two years have been long.  They have been hard.  While at times they have been down right UGLY, I can now see how the Lord weaved His beauty throughout the entire process.  I just had to get through the valley in order to see that the beauty was there all along.

Today I want to highlight some of the lessons grief has taught me.  Grief is a stern teacher, who will not allow its pupils to pass the class without completing all the assigned coursework.  But, rest assured, those who put forth the effort will walk away with renewed hope, new life, and joy.  For anyone who knows the heartache of losing a loved one, I'm sure you can relate.  While I don't consider myself to be an expert on this topic, I hope my experiences can help someone else.

My Top 10 Lessons From Grief

1. I am not perfect.  

Only one man to ever walk this earth can claim that title, His name is Jesus.  With that being said, I am confident I have not grieved perfectly.  I know mistakes have been made throughout this whole process.  Sure there are things I wish I could change about how I handled certain situations, but I can't live in the past.  I must focus on eternity, asking the Lord to give me the strength for each day.

2. Grief is unique.  

Since every person is different, it's only natural that we would grieve differently.  But there's also the fact that the dynamics of each lost relationship were not the same as someone else's relationship with the same person.  I've discovered it is so important not to compare your grief with someone else's.  You may become discouraged when you see that you haven't moved along as quickly as others, or overly self-reliant if you've healed faster than some.  There is no formula to how a person should grieve, which is what makes the journey so treacherous.  We must never forget that we cannot expect another person to demonstrate their sorrow a certain way.  Each individual needs to grieve in the way that will bring about their own healing.

3. Respond in love and grace.  

Hurting people are often more likely to direct their pain towards others.  Many times it's not intentional, yet painful nonetheless.  As difficult as it may be, the best response is always grace and love.  I will admit guilt on this one.  As a mother, I have found myself lashing out at my boys more than necessary when the overwhelming feelings threaten to consume me.  I get caught up in the pressures of life as a single-widowed mother, and push that stress on them.  When this happens, I've discovered that the best way to overcome these feelings is to remember how the Lord so lovingly extends His grace to me.  I need to do the same when I'm mistreated.

4. Remember to count your blessings.  

God has blessed me with the privilege of caring for my two little boys, giving me the promise that He will sustain me through the trenches.  When I am feeling as if I cannot bear another moment of life with a kindergartner and toddler, I remind myself of how easily I could have lost them.  I haven't mentioned this in a blog, but recently I had the opportunity to see the car that claimed my husband's life.  To say it was horrific would be a gross understatement.  When I tried to locate my oldest son's carseat, all I saw was the ground.  That portion of the car no longer existed.  My precious son is truly a gift from the Lord.  A reminder that there is life after death.  Beauty can be brought out of ashes.

5. There is always a reason to praise God.  

Whatever your situation, God can be praised.  I have experienced my darkest valleys.  My most heart wrenching pain.  My deepest sorrows.  And yet . . . yet.  That is exactly where God found me, picked me up and captured my tears.  He carried me when I could no longer stand.  He brought me through the pain.  He set my feet on the solid Rock.  He provided healing to this wounded heart and hope for eternity.  He gave me a new song to sing.  A song of praise for a God more beautiful than anything this life has to offer.

6. The world is not really passing you by.  

Probably one of my worst lessons from grief, and one I'm still learning.  I am constantly looking at the other mothers around me, wondering why I'm unable to do all the things they do, often feeling like such a failure.  Then I remember: I need to cut myself a break!!!  I can't do it all because I'm just one person, and that's okay!  I would describe living in grief in the aftermath of your spouse's death like trying to manuever through life without an arm and half a brain.  Sure you can eventually figure out how to do things, but it's much more difficult than with two arms and a fully operational brain. There's twice as much work to do, and what seems like half as much time with a brain that is forgetful and consumed with sorrow.  Does that make sense?  If not, please forgive me, I still haven't gained full use of the other half of my brain!

7. Grief exposes the true contents of our hearts.  

The deepest contents of our hearts, whether good or bad, come to light once grief has settled in.  When our defenses are severely altered, our outward expression reflects what is in our hearts.  I am ever so grateful to have a loving Savior, who takes me as I am, failures and all.  He uses grief as a tool to bring awareness of the impurities in our lives, all the while refining and molding us into His own image.  He wants His children's lives to reflect His glory.  Sometimes difficult measures are needed to accomplish this task.

8. You cannot run from grief. 

No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you must deal with your grief.  It cannot be side stepped.  We can't dance around the subject, or walk on eggshells.  Sooner or later, grief will overpower, forcing you to come to grips with the harsh reality of your loss.  We are far better off to walk straight through the valley of grief, knowing that there is an end.  Harboring grief will destroy you, no matter how good you think you are at hiding your pain.

9. God is Sovereign.

I may never understand why God chose for me to become a widow at the age of 29.  Why my 1 and 3 year old sons had to lose a daddy.  But, it's not my job to understand why God planned our lives this way.  It is my job to simply trust that He is working for our good.  Our story is one thread in the tapestry of God's complete story.  One day the questions will fade away as the whole picture is revealed.

10. JOY comes in the morning.

Yes, we will be sad for a time, but PRAISE GOD it does not last forever!!  My journey is a testimony to this lesson.  I will leave you with a verse that so eloquently describes my journey.  Psalm 30:11-12, "You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever."       

**The Lord provided much of my healing through an organization called GriefShare.  I highly recommend these sessions for anyone who has lost a loved one.  For more information about GriefShare, or to find a group near you, log onto their website, www.griefshare.org.  It is never too late or the loss too far removed, for you to begin the process of walking through your grief.