Try Giving Thanks

The last several days have been full of much frustration as I struggle with my three year old to learn how to use the potty.  If you're a parent, your mind may be flooding with your own stories of frustration just from reading that sentence.  We are on Day 5 and somehow I feel as if we have regressed from using the bathroom frequently the first few days, to only one successful attempt today.  Yesterday I posted status after status on Facebook outlining my frustrations.  Many friends were quick to offer their support or advice, remembering the horrors from their own experiences.  Doesn't matter if you potty trained a child 10 days ago or 10 years ago, a parent never forgets the stress involved.  So many times yesterday I wasn't sure if I was going to scream or cry because he just wasn't getting it.  Well, I can't say that I feel any more hopeful after today's experiences, but my perspective has changed.

You see, last night, after putting the boys to bed, I spent some much needed time in the Word.  I regret to say that the last few weeks have been so busy, that I've neglected my time with the Lord.  (I'm sure that added to my stress these last few days.)  I began by catching up on a few days of readings from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman.  A few different truths spoke to my heart while reading this devotional.

 The first came from August 2: "Claim by faith to be a partaker in the patience of Jesus and face your trials in Him.  There is nothing in your life that distresses or concerns you that cannot become submissive to the highest purpose.  Remember, they are God's mountains.  He puts them there for a reason, and we know He will never fail to keep His promise."  In Job 28:23-24 it says, "God understands the way to it [wisdom and understanding] and He alone knows where it dwells, for He views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens."  As I've been struggling to find answers for how to help my child, as well as other circumstances in my life that are defined by question marks, I am reminded that God already has the answers.  I can search high and low, but He will provide them for me at the appropriate time.  There is a reason for every struggle and frustration I'm facing, while I may not like it, it is making me a stronger follower of the Cross.

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)  I love these verses!  Every time I get caught up in the feeling that "this will never end," I am reminded that this is just light and momentary.  It may not always feel like it (believe me I've been through some trials that were anything BUT light and momentary), but with an eternal perspective, everything truly is.

Which leads me to the second truth I read.  From August 4: "Nothing pleases God more than praise as part of our prayer life, and nothing blesses someone who prays as much as the praise that is offered."  Psalm 92:1 says, "It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High."  So often I get caught up in the stress that is right before me, forgetting to praise the Lord for who He is and what He has already accomplished in my life.  Last night I was reminded that, had the Lord planned the events of October 11, 2010 differently, my two precious boys wouldn't be here.  Only a few minutes separated the time from when they were dropped off to when the accident happened.  Had they been in that car, instead of stressing about potty training, I'd be crying over all the missed opportunities with my babies.  That alone is reason to rejoice for this daunting task.  I will forever be grateful that the Lord planned for their lives to continue beyond that horrendous day.  I know He has something special planned for them, as He does for all of us.  I am blessed to be given the responsibility to train these boys, even though at times it takes all the strength I can muster to maintain control!

So, instead of being frustrated that my child had no successful potty trips and only one semi-successful pooping trips (TMI?), I am choosing to remember that this little one is a beautiful child of God who has been blessed with the chance at life.  And I get to be his mommy.  So when all else fails, I will "try giving thanks."

Side note: after typing all of this, but before editing, we had our first successful potty trip to the bathroom!  It's 8:30 pm.  Better late than never!

God's Love Story

It's been a while since my last post because life has been a little bit busy around here!  I've had several people asking me to share this story, so here it goes.  If you've been reading this blog, you've already discovered that my life has taken some very unexpected and heartbreaking turns.  The most recent turn in my life was definitely unexpected, but anything but heartbreaking!  This is a journey I am blessed beyond measure to have the privilege to experience, and I look forward to all the Lord has in store for my family.

December 28, 2011: It all began when I decided to sign up for eHarmony.  I really can't explain what prompted me to try this site at that particular time.  I could see all the healing and restoration the Lord had provided in my life through my journey of widowhood, and I truly felt that He had created in me a desire to love again.  One thing that scared me about being single again was the idea of dating.  The rules had changed so much in the 8 years since I was last single.  Plus, I now had two little boys who needed me more than ever to watch over and protect them as best I could.  The last thing I wanted to do was parade one man after another into their lives, only to have them experience loss all over again.  Once was enough.  By joining a dating site, I felt that I had some control over who I allowed into our lives, by filtering through the matches that wouldn't fit our family.

December 29, 2011: I had been sent a few dozen matches by the time I woke up the next morning.  I was a little overwhelmed by the quantity!  Honestly, I never did look through them all!  One of the matches requested to communicate with me.  We went through the process of communication eHarmony has set in place very quickly.  I would get really excited whenever I received an email saying "Brent sent you a message." We sent each other a couple dozen email messages before I finally allowed him to look me up on Facebook.

Meanwhile, Brent had been on eHarmony for a little while, with no success.  He had already made the decision that when his current membership expired, he would not renew it.  Then came a new match named "Jaquie."  At first he was skeptical because I had children, and he hadn't really considered dating a woman with kids.  That, plus my situation, was an awful lot to swallow all at once!  However, since he was a youth pastor, I had no doubts that he would make a great father.  He just needed to have the confidence in himself.

January 2012: This was a strange month of talking for a week, then not talking for a week.  We really liked each other, and really wanted to learn more but were having difficulty with the distance between us.  No one gets into a long distance relationship just for fun, it's a big commitment.  We just weren't sure how things were going to end, since it was clear that if the relationship worked out, someone would eventually have to move.  One thing we learned at this point in our story was that the "end" didn't matter.  We only needed to focus on what was happening right then or maybe the next day or two.  Beyond that, we didn't look too far into the future.  If the Lord had brought us together, then He would definitely take care of the details.  Our job was to trust in Him as He guided our steps.  But then came February...

February 2012: After going back and forth with whether we were going to pursue a relationship or not, we decided to spend some time fasting and praying.  The plan was to not talk to each other or pursue any other relationships for the entire month, so our focus could be completely on the Lord's plan for us.  (We also agreed to refrain from drinking any kind of soda or caffeine.  If you know either one of us, that's a BIG sacrifice!)  That lasted about a week, and I will admit that I broke the fast.  I couldn't let Valentine's Day go by without at least saying I was thinking about him....NON STOP!!!  By this point in time Brent was sure that the Lord was in fact bringing us together, but I wasn't convinced.  I had never really experienced much anxiety prior to widowhood, but it began to define my emotional state with every decision I had to make.  This was the biggest decision yet.  We each knew that if we pursued a relationship, it wasn't just because we wanted to "date" someone a few hundred miles away.  It was to pursue marriage.  Every decision I had made so far could be reversed, but we both agreed that marriage was "as long as we both shall live."  My peace and confidence came through my time of facilitating our young widow's GriefShare.  The Lord spoke directly to my heart through some of the videos, as well as the beautiful women in our group.

March 9, 2012: This was the day of our first date.  Up to this point, we still hadn't met each other.  We can say with confidence that we knew each other better, than most couples who've been dating for several months!  Brent flew down for the big day.  I was so nervous that I ran 5 miles that afternoon, with my fastest time yet!  We had a wonderful steak dinner followed by a nice walk around a beautiful lake.  The date was picture-perfect, and we both knew we had met someone very special.  We met again the next day, and I saw him off at the airport, not knowing when I'd see him again.  The rest of the month we spent hours a day talking on the phone.  I had to double my cell phone minutes so that I could have enough to sustain the extra time!  It's been well worth the extra price!

April 2012: Brent came back down to meet the boys and see what a week in our life looked like.  My 5 year old fell in love with him almost instantly.  He asked Brent if he had a wife, because "we" didn't have a husband.  Then he wanted Brent to ask me if he could be our husband.  So sweet!  My 3 year old has taken some more convincing, but he is quickly becoming attached too!  Watching Brent jump right in and take on anything that came with life with two young boys, has been a sweet blessing!  As I expected, he's great with the boys!

May 24, 2012: We were going to spend Memorial weekend with Brent at his home, but he didn't want me to make the drive alone.  He flew down to help us drive back up.  Little did I know, he had other plans for the day, too.  After taking me back to the place of our first date, he surprised me with several early birthday gifts.  The ultimate surprise came when he told me that my favorite photographer was secretly taking pictures of the whole event!  I knew something was up by the time he got down on his knee in front of me.  We have often spoken of our lives as stories written by God, as it states in Psalm 139:16, "All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them even came to be."  God isn't writing our stories as they happen, they've already been written.  He knew each and every turn in the story, before the story even began.  He knew the experiences we would both have to endure in order to bring us together at precisely the right moment.  This was our moment.  When Brent asked me to marry him, my response was, "Absolutely, YES!!!"

December 29, 2012: On this day, exactly one year after being matched, we will marry.  I know I speak for both of us when I say that I am so excited to watch the rest of the Lord's story for our lives as it unfolds before us.  We have lots of uncertainty ahead as we continue to pray through the situation with the distance, but we're confident the Lord will provide the answers soon.  Our desire in sharing our story is that it will be a testimony of the Lord's faithfulness to not only bring His children to restoration after very difficult circumstances, but also that He would be glorified through our relationship.  We are confident that we never would have met, had He not orchestrated the whole process.  We can see His hand throughout the entire story, guiding our every step, while allowing us to experience love again.  Only God can write a love story as beautiful as ours.

The actual proposal

Moments after he proposed

Our engagement session

Melts this momma's heart!