Sorrow in the Midst of Joy

I know what you're thinking, "Isn't that supposed to say Joy in the Midst of Sorrow?"  No, I mean it to say exactly what I wrote.  This blog is written from the present tense, what I am experiencing in my life right now.  If you know me personally, you have probably heard how the Lord has been working in my personal life.  I often like to refer to my life as a story.  In the story of my life, it appears that God is about to finish revealing the current volume, and move on to the next volume.  He has brought me through the dark days, allowing me to reflect on all that He has accomplished in and through me.  I am blessed beyond measure to see how the Lord can use such a horrendous experience to bring about such good, some of which I may never know until I step into eternity.  

So, what do I mean by, "sorrow in the midst of joy?"  Well, today has brought an interesting mixture of reflection and anticipation.  Reflecting on all that my life was, and anticipating what my life will be.  On this day eight years ago, I married the man whom I planned to spend the rest of my life.  Obviously, God had a different plan for my life, a plan that I never wanted to experience.  In those early days after his passing, I endured great heartache, sorrow and sadness.  Times of joy were nonexistent.  But as time went on, I discovered that the darkness of my grief was broken up by brief rays of joy.  I didn't realize it at first, but all of a sudden I was surprised when I caught myself smiling or laughing.  A person living in grief will often feel guilty about these times of joy, as if they shouldn't be joyful because it means they didn't love the deceased enough.  As a survivor of the journey of grief, let me say that there is no validity in this emotion.  When you are feeling joyful, BE JOYFUL!!!!  It is a testimony to the Lord's faithfulness to sustain the brokenhearted.

Eventually these rays of joy became more evident in my daily life.  Similar to a teeter-totter, as my sorrow decreased, my joy increased.  At the current point in my journey, the darkness of grief is very brief, yet real nonetheless.  This is the time when the griever can feel guilty about the sorrow, thinking that it's wrong to feel sad when the Lord has brought so many blessings and goodness back to life.  So, is it wrong to feel sorrow instead of joy?  My answer: NO!  There will be times of sorrow and sadness in this world until the day Christ conquers the evil one, once and for all!  Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." While this is a beautiful promise of what is to come, I notice that it says He WILL wipe every tear.  That shows there will be sorrow until the final days on earth.  It is okay to have moments of sorrow, even when everything in life is going well, because we live in a fallen world filled with pain and death.  What we do with that sorrow is what matters.  The only appropriate response is to turn to the Lord, for He says, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."  (Jeremiah 31:13)  Our God is truly amazing!! 

So, today I experienced moments of sorrow in the midst of my joy.  The moments were very brief because I know that my Lord has brought me to a beautiful place in my life.  This part of my story would never be possible without all I endured.  I believe the Lord will use my experiences to equip me for His future service.  I look forward to living out the rest of His plan for my life.  Let the journey begin!      

Fear Not

Have you ever been afraid?  Has fear ever immobilized you from taking action?  Have you found yourself overwhelmed by your circumstances? These are some of the questions I'm often asked.  (I'm still trying to get used to the idea that someone, anyone for that matter, would want MY advice on anything, as this has not been typical in my life.  I suppose once you have experienced great heartache, and survived to see the other side of the valley, you become an expert on certain topics.)  Several times I've been asked how I keep myself from becoming fearful that something else will happen in my life.  Well, I do have a few responses to these questions, which are good questions, I might add.  Everything in this blog is based on personal lessons the Lord has taught me through my journey through the valley of despair.  I know there are other ways to answer questions of this nature, and would love to hear your thoughts as well.

I have discovered, as many of those reading this will agree, that bad things happen in our lives.  I'm not going to spend time with the theology behind all of this, but I will say we are guaranteed that we will face hardships.  So, how can we move forward and live out our lives without harboring fear in our hearts?  Fear is one of Satan's most powerful weapons, which he uses to destroy the very foundation of our faith, and all too often we give in, allowing that fear to grip our hearts.  We don't want to be cowered in the corner wondering when bad things are going to enter our life.  Nor do we want to walk around in a state of paranoia that something will knock us down as soon as we turn the next corner.  It's true that these things may happen, but if we are children of God, we have been promised to never walk through these situations on our own.  Isaiah 41:1b-3 says, "'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'"  I love the Lord's promise in these verses!  He will be with us no matter what difficult circumstance comes our way.  Notice the verses do not say IF you experience these difficulties, rather WHEN you do.  Yes, you will experience hardship, but when you do, 'the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior' has promised to walk through it with you.  Rest assured, He will see you to the other side, where you can look back at the valley to see the wonderful things He has done in your life.  Praise God that He doesn't leave us to find our own way through the turmoil!

Instead of a spirit of fear, we can be strengthened in our weakness because the Lord has promised to go with us.  "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  (Joshua 1:9)  We can be bold in our faith because we know that even if we are faced with great difficulties, the Lord will not leave our side.  Other people can say whatever they want to say about me, but I don't have to choose fear.  I can be strong and courageous, knowing that I am protected by the Lord, my God.  When I feel as if I couldn't possibly go another step, He will give me the strength I need.  Isaiah 41:10,13 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. . . . For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."  Picture this for a minute:  You are bombarded on every side by the enemy, who seeks to destroy your faith in the Lord.  You know that any step you take will certainly lead to being knocked to the ground.  Then, in the midst of the darkness, the Lord reaches down with His right hand, takes your hand in His, and says, "Do not fear, for I am with you."  I don't know about you, but that gives me goosebumps!   

In my own dark valley, I have learned to trust the Lord even when I cannot see a way out of the darkness.  If I allowed fear to claim my heart, I would never again strap myself or my children into a vehicle.  Obviously, this would be ridiculous for me to live my life this way, but that's how fear works.  How can I know that the same thing won't happen again?  Well, I can't ever know that.  But I choose to trust the Lord in all circumstances, knowing even if there was another tragic accident, I would not be alone.  "When I am afraid, I will trust You.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)  Sure, tragedy may strike again, but I can trust that the Lord will bring me through the next battle same as He has this one.  I cannot let the enemy lay claim to my heart by planting a fear that will threaten to strangle everything good the Lord has done in my life, thus adding tragedy to tragedy.

When we remove a negative force from our lives, it's always a good idea to replace it with a promise from the Lord.  In this case, as we allow the Lord to remove the fear that has controlled our lives, let's replace it with joy and peace. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)  We do not have to live in fear, rather we can choose to be filled with joy and peace.  By trusting in the Lord, despite any situation that comes our way, we can still overflow with hope because we know the Lord has the victory over evil.  Instead of allowing fear to control you, choose to be thankful for the Lord's goodness.  Focus on what He has provided, having a spirit of gratitude for all the beauty in your life.  As I look at the faces of my beautiful boys, I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to still have the opportunity to raise them, even when being a single parent threatens to be the end of me!  I hold on to that reminder every time I feel fear trying to creep back into my heart, because it brings with it overwhelming joy at the goodness of the Lord.

Are you allowing fear to claim your heart, or are you choosing to let the joy and peace of the Lord guide your steps as you trust in the Him?  Don't let Satan have this victory in your life.  He may be powerful, but the Lord has the final say.  He will silence Satan as He replaces your fear with His perfect peace. 

"But Even If HE Does Not"

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18 (Emphasis added)

This may be one of the biggest proclamations of faith in the Bible.  I am awed by the strength through faith these three men exhibited even in the face of death.  The level of their understanding and complete trust in God's sovereignty is something that I pray I will one day possess.  They demonstrated confidence in God's power to save them from certain death, yet understood that God alone makes the decisions regarding who to rescue.

While reading these words I'm inspired by two of their phrases.  "The God we serve is able to save us from it. . . . But even if He does not."  Our God is able to do anything, but sometimes He chooses not to act.  His purpose in what He does or does not do, without a doubt, is beyond our understanding.  But God doesn't ask us to understand His purpose behind His actions, rather He calls on us to trust Him with complete dependence in His perfect plan.  Think about it, if God immediately came to our rescue every time we called on Him, we wouldn't have a need for faith.  People would be jumping in line just to have the protection of an "insurance plan" of sorts, thinking that since God is on their side nothing bad will ever happen to them.  I'll bet that anyone reading this post can think of at least one bad thing that has happened in their life.  If you are a follower of Christ, you are guaranteed hardships in life. 1 Peter 1:6-7 says, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."  Yes, life may be hard at times, but we have the promise that our suffering serves a purpose.  The refining process is never pleasant, however when yielded to God, it always produces a beautiful testimony that reveals Christ's glory.

There comes a point in time in most of our lives when we need to say, "I know God is able to bring me out of this dark phase of life, but even if He decides to wait, I will continue to trust His plan because He is good."  Believe me, that's not easy.  Only through God's strength have I been able to make that statement in my own life.  I have said to many people over the last year and a half that I am so blessed the Lord decided to spare the lives of my boys on the day of the accident.  In case you haven't heard this part of the story, my boys were unloaded from J's car as he dropped them off just a few minutes prior to his accident.  I have recently seen pictures of his car for the first time.  All I can say is . . . wow.  (I pray none of you ever have to experience something as horrendous as that, and if you already have, my heart goes out to you.  It was by far, the worst thing I've ever seen.)  One of the pictures shows the remnants of the car seats in the backseat of the car.  As I looked at that picture I was filled with mixed emotions.  Of course the gratitude for the fact that they weren't in the car was overwhelming.  But then I started thinking, what if God had planned that day differently, allowing the boys to be in that car, too?  Would I still think He was good?  Would I still trust His sovereignty?  If I had lost my whole family that day, would God still be a loving God?  I know the answer to that question is YES, but I'm sure my journey to get to that point would have been much longer and more treacherous than what I've experienced.

 I praise God that this was not how He planned to write my life story, but even if He had, the principles would still be the same: "The God I serve is able to save me from such despair, but even if He does not I will still trust His plan for my life because my GOD IS GOOD."

"The Day My World Changed"

Often throughout my writings I have said that 10-11-10 was the day my world changed forever.  I have thought about that comment numerous times over the last several months.  It's interesting how much thinking I've done, although not all thoughts are blog-worthy!!!  This one happens to be a little more theological in nature, which is rare for me!  I'm a fairly simple-minded person, generally speaking!

Here are my thoughts on "the day my world changed:"

I'm going to have to say that the comment is both true and false, depending on the perspective.  Let's first consider my own perspective, or we could really say all of mankind's perspective.  Anyone here on earth would probably agree with the idea that my world changed forever in October 2010.  In our finite wisdom, all we can see is what life was like pre-accident and what life has been like post-accident.  So, of course my life is very different now than it ever was before.  Other than the fact that I am still the mother of two handsome little boys, who are completely dependent upon my ability to care for them, nothing else is really the same.

But then I got to thinking . . . is my life really different?  If I change my perspective and try to understand what the Lord sees, I'm going to say no, it didn't change.  Let me quote some Scriptures that give a better explanation to what I'm thinking.  Psalm 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."  Before time began, God knew every single minute of every day of my life.  He knew exactly what was going to happen at 8 am on 10-11-10.  He knew that things wouldn't feel the same to me after that moment, but yet my life is still following the same path that was written in His book before any of them even began.  In that perspective, my life is the same.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  God already knows the plans He has for me.  He knew what was going to happen, He knows what I'm experiencing now, and He also knows what is in store for my future.  He holds the key to not only the future, but also to hope.  All I have to do is call upon His name and He will rescue me.

Isaiah 55:8-9, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.'"  In other words . . . stop trying to figure it all out, and trust that God is in control of everything that has already happened, is happening now, and will happen in the future!  We are not supposed to understand everything He does, rather accept with faith that He has a greater purpose than we'll ever know.

Okay, so why would I take the time to write this out?  Simple.  It is a beautiful reminder that God is in complete control of the past, present, and future.  Nothing happens that He didn't already say would happen.  He also promises to never leave us or forsake us.  No matter what impossible situation crosses our path, He will be there to guide us through every step of the way.  Personally, I am so grateful to have an all-knowing, sovereign God who knows me so intimately, yet loves me all the same.

April 27, 2011

This is another note I had written on Facebook last year.  This marks the 6 month milestone of my journey through grief.  I love how the Lord has used different events in my life over the last 9 years to remind me of the same truths.  I guess some of us just take longer than others to figure some things out.

April 27, 2011:

I think I am long overdue for writing another note.  The last couple of days have been a bittersweet time of sorting through boxes from our office.  There was so much packed into that small room at the condo, yet I am downsizing it to a closet!  So, the purging has been in full force.  I wanted to share a few of the things that I have come across.  They really spoke to my heart and were so neat that I wanted to share it with my  friends, too.  So, here goes...

First, I came across an old journal of mine.  I read the first entry written just after I moved to FL.  I will spare you all of the details, but it began with this quote from Elisabeth Elliot, "When God takes something away, He always puts something better in its place."  I go on to talk about some of the things that I felt as if I had lost prior to my move, then the opportunities that I had already begun to see in the few weeks since I had moved.  This part I will quote, "I am awed at how a life can change so drastically in such a short period of time.  I may not fully see the new path until I am old and gray, but I can already see the exciting journey I have just begun.  This all opens my eyes to the fact that my life is not my own, therefore I need to live each day to the fullest, seeking what God desires for my daily life and knowing that He will see me through each and every trial."  The entry date was July 13, 2003.  I had no idea how true those words would become just 8 years later.

The second thing I came across was a book that belonged to J.  I'm not sure when he received it, but it was long before he met me.  I'm thinking it may have been a graduation gift?  Anyway, the book is titled "Armed and Dangerous, Straight Answers from the Bible" compiled by Ken Abraham.  It contains a list of topics with verses to match each.  I quickly looked through to see if J had marked in the book at all.  I found a few places that were highlighted.  The first section was on the topic of "grief."  He had highlighted the following verses: 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."  I have heard these verses several times over the last 6 months.  They are definitely comforting verses for anyone who has lost a loved one who was a Christ-follower.  But, this was an interesting find for me because J never really experienced the loss of a loved one who he knew was a believer.  I honestly don't know when he would have highlighted that passage, or why.  This was a sweet gift the Lord left for me, in J's highlighter, to remind me that my grieving has the hope of knowing that he is alive and well, living a life of service in the presence of our Lord.  This was a special encouragement, because it felt like it came straight from J.  Anyone who has been on this journey knows how priceless these moments are.

A few weeks ago was the 6 month milestone.  That was a very difficult week for me, but not only because of the milestone.  On April  11th (exactly 6 months after the accident) our church sent out a team to Tallahassee to meet with some of our state legislators.  This was the first time that I experienced the emotions of knowing exactly what he would have been doing at that time.  I was really struggling with the knowledge that this team was feeling J's loss in a powerful way.  I found myself crying out to God, asking what sense there was in taking him so early when he could have had an impact on so many more people.  Almost immediately, I felt the Lord saying, "I have a greater purpose."  I have no idea what that purpose is or how it will unfold, but I came away from this valley in my journey with two wonderful realizations.  1) God no longer needs J to carry out His plan, as his purpose here on earth has already been fulfilled.  The Lord's work can be completed through other people, who may not have had the opportunity to serve while J was still here.  2) Just what I felt the Lord tell me, "He has a greater purpose."  While I don't know what all this entails, I have an idea that somehow He is going to use me to fulfill this purpose.  

As I look back to the quote from my journal entry, I see another chapter in my life about to unfold.  "I am awed at how a life can change so drastically in such a short period of time.  I may not fully see the new path until I am old and gray, but I can already see the exciting journey I have just begun.  This all opens my eyes to the fact that my life is not my own, therefore I need to live each day to the fullest, seeking what God desires for my daily life and knowing that He will see me through each and every trial."  I never could have imagined what trials I was going to face, yet those words are just as true today as they were 8 years ago.

October 28, 2011

Here is Part 2 of my testimony, written one year after J's fatal car accident.  Some may say that standing in front of a room of over 300 people to share this story while having tears (and snot) running down their face, would be the most difficult thing they could ever do.  However, I would argue that this moment paled in comparison to standing before J's casket and peering in at the man who had been my husband for over 6 years.  After living in disbelief for 5 days, my nightmare became a reality.  If God could bring me through that moment, He could bring me through anything.  This is the tearful testimony that I gave at the 'Tis So Sweet Widows Conference at Bell Shoals Baptist Church.

Close to the Heart of God: My Testimony as of October 28, 2011

October 11, 2010.  The day began just like any other Monday.  Our family went through all the regular morning routines, complete with running behind schedule.  I helped my husband, JW, load the boys into his car, took a few seconds to kiss him goodbye, and wished him a good day.  Everything about that day was normal, moving along completely as we had planned.  I went on to my school, while he headed towards his.  Two hours later, when my principal walked into my classroom, I had absolutely no reason to believe her visit was anything but ordinary.  However, that was the moment when my carefully planned life began to unravel.  At that point all we knew was JW never showed up at work, and we couldn’t find him.  Immediately, I remembered the last time I saw him, our boys were with him.  Upon calling the sitter, I felt instant relief to hear they were at her house, playing in the next room.  But, I was still left worrying and wondering as to the whereabouts of my JW.  Instinctively, I knew something was very wrong, because this was so out of character for him.  My mind began wandering as I thought about our plans to purchase a home the following week, our dreams of watching the boys grow up in that home, and our future plans for more children.  After what seemed to be the longest hour of my life, all of these dreams came crashing down around me as the detective walked into my principal’s office to deliver the heart-wrenching news.  Shortly after dropping the boys off at the sitter’s, my husband’s car was pushed into the path of an oncoming truck when another driver failed to stop at a stop sign. His death was instant.  In that moment, life, as I knew it, changed forever. 

I don’t feel as if I can talk about this journey without saying more about my boys.  At the time of the accident, my oldest son, Jayden was 3 ½ and little Jackson was 16 months old.  In the beginning days it was very difficult for me to care for my children, not because of the enormity of my grief, but because I never had to be on my own before.  Their daddy was such a vital part of everything we did.  Having the same teaching schedule meant we were almost always together as a family.  I simply didn’t know how to be a single parent.  Family and friends did a wonderful job of helping me figure out our new “normal,” but the help soon faded away.  A few months after the accident, I really began to feel alone.  I went through a phase of feeling completely and utterly inadequate to raise my boys without the support of their father.  I kept thinking this isn’t how a family is supposed to look.  This was a very dark and painful time for me.  I often felt as if I was being sucked under the waves of great sorrow over the loss of their father.  One of the Scriptures which speaks directly to my heart on this matter is Isaiah 40:11, “He tends His flocks like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”  I am so blessed to have an all-knowing God, Who cares so much about His children, He “gently leads” me in the ways of godly parenting.  The Lord promises to be a Father to the fatherless, and there has never been a better Father.  One who gathers my sweet boys up in His arms and carries them close to His heart.  I know there is nothing I can do to change what happened to their daddy, but I never ever want my boys to feel as if they lost their mommy, too.  When they reflect on their childhood, I want it to be full of happy memories, despite this tragedy.  Only through the Lord’s strength can I make this possible.  The highlight of this year was on August 22^nd when Jayden asked Jesus to come into his heart to wash away his sins!  This child has such a tender heart and an unusually profound understanding of the simplicity of our faith. I had tears streaming down my cheeks as I pictured his daddy standing in an arena cheering louder than anyone else as HIS boy began his own race of faith.  Oh, what a glorious sight that must have been!

A common phrase that a recent widow will often hear is, “Try not to make any major decisions in the first year.”  Well, I would like to coin my own phrase, which more accurately describes my situation, maybe some of you can relate: “Death Demands Decision.”  I have just passed over the year milestone, and I can honestly say that I’ve made bigger decisions in the last year than in the 29 previous…combined.  I realize that every story is different, but when death unexpectedly disrupted my life at such a young age, I was left having to figure out what to do all on my own.  Like many other young couples, JW and I had never really talked about what would happen if one of us died.  We were simply enjoying life as the parents of two small boys.  Our biggest concerns were potty training, teething, sleepless nights, sick children, and juggling it all while working full time.  As I said previously, we were in the process of purchasing a home.  I had to make an immediate decision regarding that home.  Ultimately I did not purchase it, which brought on another wave of grief at the loss of the dreams we had already visualized.  For someone like me, who has always struggled with making decisions, this has been the most difficult aspect of the journey.  I have sought godly advice from many sources, but the final decision always falls into my lap.  What do I think will be the best choice for the future of my little boys?  What a huge responsibility! Recently, the Lord placed a few verses on my heart to remind me that I never have to make these decisions alone.  Proverbs 3:5-6 are words I memorized as a very little girl, but have developed a new meaning this year. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”    

One of the questions a person may ask in the aftermath of such a great tragedy is, “Where was God when all of this happened?”  I can tell you exactly where God was on October 11^th.  He was in JW's car, sitting in the passenger seat, cradling my beloved in his final moments on this earth, then escorting him to Heaven. He was with the other drivers as the realization of what had just happened set in. He was with the officers and examiners as they went about their gruesome routine. He was with the pastors and all of our friends and loved ones as they heard the news.  He was with the detective, who had the dreaded task of finding me and telling me what happened. And then, He was with me, holding me closer than I'd ever been held before, comforting me, strengthening me, and above all, loving me. Same as He is right now. I may never understand why all of this had to happen, but I can rest assured that God has been here through it all, guiding my path when I'm strong enough to walk, and carrying me when I'm not.  God’s Word promises in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I can’t think of a better description of widowhood than “brokenhearted” and “crushed in spirit.”  Yes, indeed, He holds me close to His heart.

From the very beginning of this tragedy, I chose to dwell on the blessings the Lord has provided and continues to provide in the midst of my grief.  Maybe it was the realization of how easily I also could have lost the boys.  Or maybe it was looking back on all of the sweet memories of our 6 ½ years of marriage.  Or maybe it was the knowledge that he felt no pain.  At some point in this journey I reminded myself that on that fateful morning, my beloved met our Creator.  In the blink of an eye, he no longer saw the road ahead of him, but our Lord in all His glory.  The worst day of my life, was the best day of his.  In a Bible study I am attending, I was reminded that because I am a child of God, He offers me the gift of hope, assuring me that GOD will be faithful to perfectly fulfill His purpose even in these things I cannot see.  I have held onto all of these precious truths, as they really do ease some of the heartache.

As Christians, our purpose is to bring glory to God in all that we say and do.  To be perfectly and perhaps painfully honest, I can’t say that I was living out that purpose a year ago.  However, God has used this tragedy to bring me into complete reliance of Him.  As I stand here before you today, I don’t want you to think I am anything greater than anyone else in this room.  I am not, but God is.  I want my life, my pain, my sorrow, my grief, and my joy to all reflect His glory.  HE is the One who is bringing me through this impossible situation, HE is the One who holds my future, HE is the One who deserves ALL my praise.  I truly believe the events of October 11^th had to happen in order for God to receive the maximum glory in my life.  He has given all of us a story to tell, and I no longer want to remain silent.  30 years is long enough, my only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. 

Without dragging this out too much longer, I want to say I realize my journey is far from over, I’m still an infant compared to some.  Reaching the one year milestone doesn’t mean things are magically better.  Personally, I don’t believe that will happen until it is my turn to meet Jesus.  But in the midst of my grief, I have felt a closeness to the Lord, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.  He truly is close to the brokenhearted.  The times I feel closest to the Lord are when I am praising Him through song, since so many of the words we sing feel as if they were written just for me.  I want to conclude by quoting some verses which so eloquently describe my reason for singing.  Psalm 30:11-12 says, “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may SING to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever.”  

October 28, 2010

As I was looking back through some of the notes I have posted on Facebook over the last year and a half, I realized that some of you may not be familiar with my story.  While reading through these, I noticed something rather interesting.  This particular note was written only a few weeks after J's accident on October 11, 2010.  Little did I know that I would have the opportunity to share my testimony exactly one year later to a group of over 300 sister widows, deacons and wives, and ministerial staff.  Some parts of the notes may be similar, but I want you to see the healing the Lord provided to me over the course of that first year.  This is proof that we have a loving, compassionate and faithful God who is not only Sovereign in all things, but truly close to the brokenhearted.

Here is my story as of October 28, 2010:

"It was a normal Monday morning, or so I thought, when my principal showed up in my classroom.  Of course I got a little nervous, since I wasn't sure why she was there, and it looked important.  Did I forget to do something or turn something in? :)  After I was finished, she told me that my husband's school called and said J never showed up to work.  If you knew my husband, you would know that that is NOT like him, so I panicked.  I immediately assumed the worst, although I never imagined anything like this.  I went outside to make phone calls.  First to his phone, nothing.  Then I called his grandmother, who said she had the boys.  A huge weight was instantly lifted off my shoulders...my babies were safe.  But where was my husband?  My principal and I sat in her office for an hour trying to make phone calls to see where he was, but no one would tell us anything.  By this time it was 11 am.  That was when my world changed forever.  The detective walked into her office.  She didn't even have time to close her door when he told me the news.  I will never forget his words, or the look on my principal's face as she turned around.  It confirmed that she heard the same thing I had heard.  My heart was torn in two.  Not my husband, not my boys' daddy, not the week before we were supposed to buy a house, not now, not ever.

At that point I was numb.  Several came in and out of the office, including my pastors, before we realized that we had to let his family know.  They were still out looking for him.  I think the hardest thing I've ever had to do was tell his grandparents what had happened.  The rest of the day was a blur of visitors and details I can hardly remember, although the day seemed to last a lifetime.

I know it's only been a few weeks, but I've already come to realize several things.  First, I realize that God is in control and has a plan.  Second, He doesn't make mistakes.  He never promised that we would like His plan, or that it would be easy, but I am taking comfort in knowing that I'm not in control.  Third, I've realized that living in the world of "what ifs" doesn't help.  For some reason God had chosen 8 am on 10-11-10 as the time for my husband to come Home.  It would have happened no matter where he was or what he was doing.  If you were at the service, you may remember the pastor saying "why did JW have to die this way?"  Of course, I don't know WHY, but I certainly have come to see many blessings in HOW it happened.  For one thing, he was driving on a road that I have never been on before that week, which means I don't have to drive past it everyday.  I praise God that my children were not with him, especially after finding out that the force of impact caused Jayden's carseat (which was behind the driver's seat) to snap in half.  I am also grateful that he felt no pain, what a blessing to know that he did not suffer.  The detective said he never knew the third vehicle hit him.

So, what about the other drivers? I don't know why the first driver didn't stop at the stop sign, but I do know that none of us are perfect.  While her mistake cost me everything, we have all made mistakes while driving.  Even though I'm still working on forgiveness, my heart goes out to her.  As for the third driver, I had the privilege of meeting him after the funeral.  He is so torn up with grief over this whole mess, but I do not blame him for what happened.  He works with the youth at his church, many of whom are former students of my husband.  

I know this is getting long, but I wanted to share my story with all of you.  I feel so blessed to have been married to my sweet J for 6+ years, I only wish it could have been longer.  I can honestly say that I am a better person for having him in my life.  He was such an incredible man.  I am so proud of all he accomplished in his short 33 years.  We never knew just how much of an impact he had on this community.  How touching to see his students, and those who knew him, sharing stories of how he affected their lives.  He was such a passionate man, who focused all that energy towards teaching the Truth about our country's history to anyone who would listen (and sometimes not listen).  He was a man of intelligence, integrity, but most of all a man of God.  I know that on Monday morning, as he was standing before the Throne of God, he heard our Lord say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant."  I will spend the rest of my life missing him, but all the while looking forward to seeing him again in Heaven.  Such a beautiful promise! 

 I write all of this to say that even while going through the worst experience of my life, I can truly say I AM BLESSED."