A Time to Remember

Tomorrow is such a big day in the Porter household. Our little miracle is turning THREE!!!! Where have the last three years gone? As I've done each year, I'd like to take tonight to reflect on the events of three years ago. I won't go into all the details, since I did that in a previous post. It was on February 3rd, 2015, when we were blindsided with the news that our baby girl was severely sick. I knew something wasn't right, but never could have imagined what was on the other side of the door we were about to pass through. But God knew. He knew all along the difficulties we would soon face, and He was ready to carry us through them. Every part of our story had passed through His loving hands before it ever crossed our path. I love how Isaiah says it in chapter 43 verses 2-3,

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; 

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, 

and the flame shall not consume you. 

For I am the Lord your God, 

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." (ESV)

God was there in the ultrasound room, when the doctor first told us about the hydrops. He was in the ambulance as we were rushed to Vanderbilt. He was in the hospital room as they began prepping us for what may happen during delivery the next morning. He was there when they wheeled me to the operating room where more than 20 medical professionals were preparing for the scary delivery ahead. He was still there while we waited the excruciating 18 minutes the NICU team needed to resuscitate her. He was in the NICU when we saw our unresponsive, swollen baby girl for the very first time. He was there as the hours stretched into days when she had two major setbacks that took her back to the OR for major surgery. He was there when days stretched into weeks as the doctors were baffled by her daily progress and fighting spirit. He was there on her 44th day when we took her home for her brothers to meet her for the first time. He was there when we had to take her back to the hospital, resulting in the second surgery that would finally make her whole again. He was there through all the storm tossed our way, and He's still here today! Praise God!!!

I truly believe we were given a front row seat to watch God preform an actual, real-life miracle. Even her doctors admitted as much. Her case was considered a mystery, one that could not be explained by modern medicine. Here we are today, on the eve of the third
birthday of our beautiful, HEALTHY little girl. Psalm 77:13-14 says it best,

"Your ways, God, are holy. 

What god is as great as our God? 

You are the God who performs miracles; 

you display your power among the peoples." (NIV)

Tonight, I am praising God for blessing our family with this miracle who is so full of life and joy. We could not be more grateful for our little Cora Joy!

February 4, 2015

February 4, 2016

November 2017
(Photo by Theresa NeSmith Photography)

A Miracle of Joy

Hard to believe a year has passed since my last post.  My blog has been dormant for so long, I had difficulty remembering how to login!  So much life happened in the last year.  Some good.  Some not so good.  Some just down right awful.  I'll try to give a very quick recap on our first year in Tennessee.  We settled in fairly quickly to finish out the school year with our students at our new church.  We spent the summer building relationships with our awesome teenagers through MFuge, Bible studies, serve week, and other fun activities.  Getting to know these kids is one of the best parts of our year.  Throughout the fall we settled into a routine with school and church, as much as was possible between bouts of strep and flu.  Our year ended on a very sad note when I had to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends on December 1st, followed by Brent's grandfather on January 7th.  

Probably the biggest highlight of our year was the anticipation of our baby girl, Cora Joy, due March 4, 2015.  That anticipation quickly turned to fear when we discovered she was very sick on February 3rd.  She was delivered via emergency C-section on February 4th, four weeks early.  Her official diagnosis was fetal hydrops, a condition in which a baby takes on an excess of fluid.  She weighed 10 pounds 6 ounces at birth.  I also gained an excess of fluid (about 16 pounds worth in a day), which was the only real sign that anything was wrong.  Doctors called it mirror syndrome, since I was mirroring what happened to Cora.  Her delivery was extremely terrifying due to the unknown circumstances surrounding fetal hydrops.  It can be caused by many different things, but 30% of the time the cause is never discovered.  We fall into that 30%.  At this point, doctors do not expect we will ever learn the cause.  Cora's chest was so overwhelmed by fluid, drain tubes were inserted into both sides to relieve the pressure.  She was unable to breathe because the pressure was so great, it was like breathing against concrete.  She was immediately placed on an oscillating ventilator.  She was also placed on countless medicines to help her body heal and overcome the edema (swelling).  A week after delivery, her bowels spontaneously perforated.  She needed surgery to have another drain tube inserted into her abdomen to release the bile filling up inside.  A week later, the bowel perforated again, requiring major abdominal surgery to find the source of the leak.  Surgeons discovered two small holes in her small intestine, removed the failed section of the bowel, and completed the ostomy.  Another surgery will be scheduled 6 weeks from this surgery to reconnect the section of her intestine.  

Anyone who knows me, or has read my previous blogs knows that I have endured many heartaches over the last 4 1/2 years.  I wouldn't wish my life experiences on anyone.  However, watching my baby girl suffer this last month, is by far, the most awful thing I've experienced.  On several occasions, we truly expected to say our goodbyes.  Instead of thinking about "when" we brought her home, my mind was consumed with "if" we brought her home.  She was so sick those first few weeks, I doubt the doctors expected her to survive.  Her condition was very rare, and complicated by the unknown causes of it.  

Shortly after learning Cora was sick, Brent and I began asking friends and family to pray.  We really didn't understand how severe her situation was, but we knew we needed as many people as possible to lift our precious baby up to the Lord in prayer.  We later learned that at delivery, 18 minutes passed before doctors could resuscitate her.  The fact that she survived birth was a miracle.  God answered those prayers.  We later learned that it was unlikely for her to survive the first 24 hours.  Not only did she survive the first day, but she began showing improvements in those first few days.  God answered our prayers by providing another miracle.  When her bowels perforated the first time, her doctor gave us the news with tears in her eyes.  She didn't sound hopeful for a positive outcome.  We begged our friends and family to pray fervently for God to work another miracle in her life.  Once again, God answered those prayers.  A week later the same thing.  We prayed for the surgeons to find the perforation, so Cora could continue getting stronger.  God answered those prayers again.  We continue asking God to heal our baby girl, and He continues to answer.  Cora Joy is our beautiful little miracle.  In her 32 days of life, I have witnessed God working a modern day miracle right before my eyes.

In those early days of Cora's life, I relied heavily on the promises of God.  My heart was so broken, my mind so overwhelmed, that it hurt to breathe.  I felt as if the life was being sucked right out of me.  The only comfort I could find was in God's Word.  During some of the more critical moments, Brent and I would read our favorite psalms aloud to each other.  Our desperation turned to peace as we felt His promises wash over us.  

One particular psalm struck a chord in my heart as I clung to the words.  In my Bible, the theme for Psalm 77 says: "We are comforted through the hard times by remembering God's help in the past.  Recalling God's miracles and previous works can give us courage to continue."  Verses 11-14 say, "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.  I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.  Your ways, O God, are holy.  What god is so great as our God?  You are the God who performs miracles; You display your power among the peoples."  God had worked several times in my life by bringing me through very difficult losses.  Losing a loved one is hard.  Losing a husband, mother, and best friend in four years, seems impossible.  Yet, God gave me the strength, comfort and peace to walk through each of those journeys.  My heart couldn't say goodbye again.  I couldn't bear the thought of my mother, who is in heaven, holding my baby girl before me.  I found my peace knowing, just as He had every time in the past, God would bring me through whatever lay ahead.  I could place my trust in Him, having every confidence that He would perform a miracle in my life.  I didn't know if that miracle would be the heavenly or earthly healing of our baby girl.  Either way, I knew He would heal her.  

Cora Joy continues to improve.  Two weeks has passed since her ostomy surgery.  She no longer has chest tubes or the abdominal tube.  She is breathing on her own.  I held her for the first time when she was three weeks old.  She is such a beautiful baby!  She is no longer sedated, and off all antibiotics.  She only receives nutrients as she continues to increase her feedings.  Over the last few days, she has learned to take her bottle, rarely needing the support of her feeding tube.  She currently weighs 7 pounds 9 ounces.  She continually amazes her doctors with her incredible progress.  God has given her a fighting spirit that doesn't give up.  Her testimony will be amazing.  We still have several weeks before she is fully healed, but we look forward to "when" she gets to come home.  We continue to praise God for the incredible work He has done in our family through our little Joybug's life.  Cora Joy is our little miracle!     

          

The Hallway

I am long overdue for another post.  This is a post I had only dreamed about being able to write, not knowing when the time would actually come.  I feel beyond blessed to finally have this opportunity.

Many of my readers know my husband resigned from his position as a student pastor at a church in South Carolina in December 2012.  This was not an easy decision for us, but one we felt the Lord calling us to make.  He continued looking for another position, but as the weeks stretched into months, I really began to question if we had made the right choice, or if the boys and I should have moved to SC.  

In my last post I told the story of my mom's last few months on this earth.  Through her decline, we really and truly felt God was showing us that we HAD made the right decision, allowing us to be here with mom in her final days.  I am extremely grateful I had that time with her, which makes all the job search discouragement and frustrations worth the extra stress.  If that wasn't enough confirmation, we began receiving calls from churches looking for a student pastor the week proceeding mom's death.  Honestly, once we reached double digits, we lost count of all the calls received.  After 10 months of little to no activity on the job search, God opened the floodgates.  In those moments, we knew we were exactly where God wanted us, although it appeared that was about to change.  

However, all of these calls posed another problem.  We only needed ONE church to provide a job, not a dozen!  How were we ever going to know which direction the Lord was calling us?  We visited several churches, making the search even more taxiing on us, the boys, and their caregivers while we were away.  We were so ready to see the process come to an end.  So many times I would cry out to God, asking Him to close doors we weren't supposed to enter and point us in the direction of the right door.  

There's a meme floating around social media that reminds us to praise the Lord even when we're in the hallway.  The whole last year of our life has been camped out in the hallway.  There's a dent in the carpet where we've been waiting!  Let me tell you, it is often very hard to be grateful when month after month, life seems to pass us by.  Yet, I've learned some of the most precious songs of praise to our Lord's ears are the ones of His children when they are asked to wait in the hallway.  

I wish I could say I did a better job during this time of waiting, that I had taken advantage of the time to spend every moment possible with my Lord.  I feel more like all I can say is that I survived one of the most difficult years of my life.  The best part about this year is knowing the Lord doesn't waste our pain.  He uses it for our own personal growth, providing us many opportunities to minister to others experiencing difficulties.  My prayer is for all of this to encourage others who find themselves in the hallway.

As the search continued, God began to slowly close the doors of each of the churches.  

Except one.  

We had said from the beginning that we would pursue a potential position until God closed the door.  Well, to be correct, He HAS closed a door.  This time it wasn't the door standing before us, rather the one just behind us, closing off the hallway.  You see, last week we signed a full price contract on our house, after only 11 days on the market!  God is definitely moving us forward, as He carefully places all the details in order.  I love watching how the Lord plans out even the smallest details when we fully trust His leading.

Earlier today, our new church voted to accept my husband as their next student pastor.  In just three short weeks, our family will be moving to Tennessee.  We are so excited about this next chapter in our lives!  We look forward to seeing how the Lord will work in our lives and the lives of the students we will be serving.  

As can be imagined, we have many prayer needs.  Our family would be honored to have others praying with us as we begin this new ministry.  Below I've made a list of some of our prayer concerns.  

• Praise the Lord for providing this ministry opportunity for our family!
• Praise Him for bringing a buyer for our house after only 11 days!
• Pray for all the details surrounding the close of our current house as well as finding a new house.
• Pray for our boys as they make yet another major transition, that they would make new friends quickly, and adjust well into a new school.
• Pray for my husband as he learns to juggle ministry and family time.
• Pray for me as I learn my new role as a minister's wife.
• Pray for family and friends we are leaving behind in FL.  
• Pray for this next chapter of our lives to bring maximum glory to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.     

God is SO good!

3 years . . . 1 day

For several weeks now I've thought about what I would want to say on this day.  I pondered the lessons the Lord was teaching me, yet nothing seemed to feel right.  Then came the events of the last 48 hours.  Let me warn you that this blog will contain very raw emotions.  Read with caution.

Mom's health slowly began to decline a few years ago.  We've spent many days in the hospital during this time.  Each time she would go in, it was a big deal because things looked very grim until they figured out how to help her.  Last October is when it all got worse.  I don't think she ever really bounced back from it.  6 weeks later she ended up back in the hospital, with major concerns.  Mom and dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary during that hospital stay.  Her nurses purchased a cake and celebrated right along with them.  Mom was discharged, then a few short weeks later was able to watch me walk down the aisle and say "I do".  She was still so sick.  I don't even have a picture of just the two of us on that day.  For a few months we saw her getting better, but that changed in the spring.  Dad was having to care for her 24/7.  It was really beginning to wear on him.  

Then came August.

Mom was complaining about very sore "bumps" on her legs.  She went to the doctor a number of times, but didn't receive any real answers at that time.  A punch biopsy was done to determine what the bumps were.  Very quickly the area around the biopsy became infected.  Doctors were still baffled about it, so they ordered another biopsy.  This time they would cut into her leg and stitch her back up.  The surgery went smoothly, but later that night she fell, hitting her head on the tile floor.  She was taken back to the hospital.  It was August 22nd.  She stayed there for 3 days before going home.  

Labor day weekend my boys stayed with mom and dad.  My parents loved having the boys stay with them.  On Sunday dad called to say he needed to take mom back to the hospital because her pain was so intense in her leg.  Little did I know that was the last time my mother would ever hug my sweet boys.  On Labor Day a doctor determined the area around the punch biopsy site needed to be removed.  The tissue was necrotic and badly infection.  After surgery she was left with a hole the size of the palm of my hand, about an inch deep, and even larger under the skin.  A few days later came the wound vac.  If you don't know what that is, google it.  We all hated that thing, and hated watching her pain whenever the wound care techs changed the dressing.  On this visit, mom was admitted September 1st.  She stayed for 10 days before going home.  

September 16th.  An ambulance took mom back to the hospital.  She couldn't stay awake, let alone stand up.  It was quickly determined she had stage five kidney disease and needed immediate dialysis.  This came as no surprise to us considering her kidney doctor previously told her she would need lifetime dialysis.  Mom and dad had already been to some classes to learn about the process.  After a few weeks of receiving dialysis, mom's kidney function improved significantly.  While doctors and nurses kept praising her progress, I was skeptical.  I couldn't see what was happening on the inside of her body, but on the outside I didn't like what I saw.  Mom slept 20 hours a day.  She couldn't really carry on a conversation because she was too drowsy.  I saw the fight and desire to live dissolve inside her.  She was tired.  Tired of the pain.  Tired of the sickness.  Tired of the hospital.  Tired of doctors and nurses poking and prodding her all hours of the day and night.  Simply tired.  On October 3rd I updated family and friends with good news.  Mom was removed from dialysis and the c-diff infection seemed to be gone.  Exactly one week later that all changed.

October 8th. I spent much of the day with mom and dad.  We didn't carry on much conversation, because she was sleeping so much.  All the medications had really begun to affect mom's mind.  I babbled on like I usually do in uncomfortable situations, but I didn't know what else to do.  To be honest, I didn't think she looked any different than she had the week before.  As I left, I gave her a hug and told her I'd see her again on Thursday.

October 9th. In the morning I went for a run.  I felt light-hearted for the first time in weeks.  I spent much of that time praying for mom.  I told God that we were all so tired of all the suffering.  I truly didn't think we could handle much more.  I asked God to heal mom, but not to how she was a few months ago.  I wanted her better.  Like she was a few years ago.  If that wasn't God's plan for mom, then I wanted Him to heal her completely.  With the eternal healing that only He could provide.  I felt peace in my heart after this prayer. 

A few minutes later I began receiving texts from dad that were unsettling.  I asked if he needed me to come.  His simple "yes" was all that I needed to hear.  Mom began to get really sick, really fast.  She was so panicked, they placed her on heavy doses of anxiety medicine.  She didn't even recognize dad when he came in the room.  I knew it then.  I knew it wasn't good.  When nurses were giving me hugs I knew it had to be something bad.  I walked in the room with a nurse.  When I told mom I was there, her eyes perked up and she began searching the room for me.  As soon as she found me she held out her arms.  I will forever cherish that little movement, and the last hug she ever gave me.  I asked her if there was anything I could do for her.  She simply said, "take it all away."  Oh, if only I could.  She was so miserable.  It was as if thousands of tiny spiders were crawling all over her.  She's terrified of spiders.  She was beside herself.  My brother called, but I couldn't speak to him.  The ICU nurse that had been sent to oversee her gave him the update.  I then placed the phone up to mom's ear so he could talk to her.  Through the oxygen mask, I heard her say, "I love you too."  Those were the last words I heard her say, and the last signs of life I saw from her.  The doctor came in the room and said he was very concerned about her and wanted her moved to ICU.  By the time she was ready to be transported, the medicine had fully taken affect.  She was completely still.  Too still.

Her ICU room number was 316.  I can't tell you the comfort that brought me.  John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have eternal life."  Yes, mom believed in Him, and no she would not perish.  The wonderful ICU doctor asked permission to put her on a breathing machine while they ran tests to see what was happening.  That took awhile, only giving us a few minutes to see her before visiting hours ended.  Dad, my brother and I all got a chance to tell her we loved her.  The nurse suggested we go home and rest, that they would call if anything changed.  So, we did.

October 10th.  At 4:00 am we received that call.  The nurse was having to work all night to keep mom's blood pressure up.  It was the only thing keeping her alive.  All three of us rushed up to the hospital.  They had some plans of things to try, but nothing helped.  Some more family arrived and got a chance to see her.  The doctor had a family meeting with all of us.  Mom's organs were all septic.  There really was nothing more they could do.  Her decline was quick.  So quick.  We called more family.  By noon all 10 of her Florida family members were there.  The staff was kind enough to let us all stay with her.  The love and support from my aunts, uncle and cousins made this whole day okay.  A pastor came to pray with us.  After praying over her, we walked out of the room so the nurse could work.  When she called us back in, she told us what we already knew in our hearts.  Right after we left her pupils fixed and she no longer had gag reflexes.  I take comfort in knowing it happened after we walked away.  After she heard us pray.  After we lifted her up to Jesus.  Even on life support, she had slipped away.  As a family we decided to take her off the blood pressure medicine.  We all stood around and let her know it was okay.  She didn't need to hang on any longer.  It was time to let go.  Pretty soon we saw the steady drop of her BP.  Within a few minutes of reaching 19/16, the heart rate line went flat.

Mom was gone. 

39 days in the hospital was enough.  More than enough.

October 11th.  Today is the 3rd anniversary of the tragic death of my first husband.  As this day approaches each year, I find myself reliving the emotions and experiences of that day three years ago.  But this year it's different.  Instead of thinking about planning a funeral, we ARE planning a funeral.  Instead of being reminded of all the pain and heartache losing a loved one brings, we ARE in pain and have great heartache.  Yet, through all of this my prayers have been answered.  Mom is no longer in pain and suffering.  She is no longer hooked up to IVs and needs medicine.  She no longer has a giant hole in her leg or a wound vac.  She no longer has to lay in a hospital bed.  She is walking, running, dancing, jumping, talking, and loving on our loved ones who passed away before her.  I'm simply grateful she can be free.  I'm jealous that she was able to meet Jesus yesterday.  What a glorious meeting that must have been.  So, yes, we are sad.  Very sad.  We hurt.  We miss her dearly.  But above it all, I'm glad this roller coaster is over.  Today is the first day in 39 days that my dad doesn't have to spend at the hospital.  We can begin our grieving and work through this next phase of our journey.

To all our prayer warriors out there, please know that words cannot express our deep gratitude for all the prayers for our family.  Especially these last few days.  We felt them all, and we appreciate each and every one of you.  

Much love and thanks from our family to yours.  

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Still Waiting . . .

7 months has passed in a blur since my last post.  Life as newlyweds with two young children has been hectic, in every sense of the word!  We are loving every minute of spending time together as a family, well almost every minute.  Any parent who says they love every second of their child's temper tantrums, sickness, and overall childlike behavior, is lying.  Plain and simple!  But despite that, we are so thrilled to have this time to build our family as we learn the dynamics of this new phase of life.

I decided now was the time to share some of the things the Lord has been teaching me through these last few months.  Now that the school year is winding down, I feel like I am able to clear the cobwebs out of my head enough to publish these thoughts.  In my last post I mentioned that we didn't know what the Lord's plan for our future was, but that we were "expectantly waiting" for Him to reveal His plan.  Well, we are . . . still . . . expectantly . . . waiting.  Perhaps we've just been so boggled down with life, or perhaps my head has been stuck in the sand.  Either way, we haven't felt the pressures of waiting quite like we are right now.  We've been through a roller coaster of emotions as we get our hopes up about a potential direction from the Lord, only to feel as if the door has slammed in our faces.  After hitting a very low point recently, we stopped and cried out to the Lord.  In the days that followed I felt the Lord speak to me more than I had experienced in a very long time.  What a relief to know that God has not forgotten us!!!  He knows we are still waiting for Him to guide our steps, He knows that we are feeling stuck, He still knows.  I can't even begin to tell you how much peace that gives me.  For anyone else reading this, I hope that brings you peace, too.  God never forgets His children!

So, why are we still waiting?  Good question.  One that I could give you multiple "possible" reasons: God is still working on us.  He is preparing the way for us.  He is trying to teach us something.  We need this time to focus on becoming a family.  We're not ready.  Our future isn't ready.  I could go on and on.  It could be that all of them are true, or none of them.  But the truth is, it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter why God chooses to work in our lives the way He does.  All that really matters is whether I am willing to place all my trust in Him.  That sounds simple on the surface, but when days stretch into weeks, then into months, it becomes more difficult to trust that He is still working.  My faith begins to waiver as I question God's purpose in all of this.  Then doubt sets in as I begin to wonder if there's something wrong with us, or the way we're doing things.  Then comes the wake up call.  That moment when the ground feels like it has fallen out from under you.  When your only possible response is to cry out to God.  Do you know that moment?  

These are the verses the Lord brought to my mind in that moment:

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

His understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might He increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)

"They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength."  That's exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  I'm not just waiting without purpose, I'm waiting for the Lord.  I've heard these verses all my life, even memorized them as a young girl.  Yet they have more meaning to me today, than ever before.  I know what it's like to be waiting.  The story of my life has an entire chapter (or two) on waiting.  Just read through the events of the last two and a half years of my life and you'll see the periods of waiting all throughout.  

Once again I'll ask, "Why am I still waiting?"  I believe the reason can be found in the devotional Streams in the Dessert, from the excerpt on May 17.  "Often the Lord calls us aside from our work for a season and asks us to be still and learn before we go out again to minister.  And the hours spent waiting are not lost time. . . Quite often God will ask us to wait before we go, so we may fully recover from our last mission before entering the next stage of our journey and work."  Even if this isn't the reason, as I said before, it doesn't matter.  All that matters is that we are still expectantly waiting, and trusting, and hoping, and praying that the Lord will reveal His plan for the next step in our future very soon.

The Journey Continues . . .

Now that some of our plans have been revealed, I would like to take the opportunity to share our hearts, and what the Lord has been doing in our lives during this time of waiting.  We are now 75 days from “I Do” day, yet still living 500+ miles apart.  We’ve had the opportunity to see each other about once a month for the last 8 months, a pattern that will continue until moving day, the first week of December.  We are very ready to drop the “long distance” label of our relationship, and move forward to the next chapter in our lives. 

When Brent and I first started talking to each other, we really struggled with the knowledge that, if this relationship worked out, one of us would have to move.   To be honest, on more than one occasion, it was nearly the death of the relationship.  We weren’t confident we were willing to take such a big risk, knowing the outcome.  Long distance marriages just aren’t our thing, so if this worked out, someone was headed for a cross-country move.  Considering both of us have experience with this, we were apprehensive to get involved.  However, every time we let fear of the unknown take control, we felt the Lord assuring us it would be okay.   Since He had brought the two of us together, He would surely work out all the details to bring us together geographically, too. 

So, the million dollar question we have heard ever since our engagement back in May is, “Who’s moving?”  Tough question, and one we weren’t willing to answer right away.  We spent much time in prayer as we discussed our options and asked the Lord to reveal His plan for our ministry as a new family.  Let’s face it, many hearts were going to be broken no matter what choice we made.  Neither of us wanted to disappoint anyone, making this decision that much more difficult.  We had to stay focused on the fact that God would prepare the hearts of everyone who had to say a goodbye.  Once again, we were trusting that He would take care of those details, same as He has all along this journey.  I must continue to remind myself that the God who provided for my family in the aftermath of such a major loss, is the same God who is providing for us now.  So long as we continue to seek His will for our lives, that will never change. 

So, who’s moving, you ask?  We are finally ready to answer this question.  Yesterday, Brent had to make the difficult announcement of his resignation at Second Baptist Church effective December 2nd.  After nearly 6 years of service at this wonderful church, he feels led by the Lord to step out in faith towards our future together.  My heart was extremely heavy for all the members of SBC who learned of this transition yesterday.  I spent much time in prayer asking the Lord to prepare and protect the hearts of the students and their families.  We know this will be a difficult 7 weeks, as goodbyes are never easy.  In the short amount of time, and few visits I’ve had at SBC, I cannot say enough about the caring attitudes and loving hearts from the people there.  You will always hold a special place in our hearts.  Thank you for being so gracious and understanding despite the sadness you're feeling.  We are continuing to pray the Lord will bring the right man to lead the youth in this next adventure.  Just as God has a plan for our new future together, He also has a plan for the future of SBC.  We know he will provide for you as well. 

During the first week of December (approximately 50 days from now, but who’s counting?), Brent will be closing the 500+ mile gap between us.  Once and for all.  While we are still uncertain where the Lord plans for our new ministry together to take place, we are confident that He has a plan.  He has gone before us to prepare the next place for us.  I’m sure this time of waiting is preparing us for whatever may lie ahead.  As you continue to pray for us, pray for clarity of direction, peace of mind, and willingness to follow wherever the Lord is leading our family. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13.  We are seeking, while expectantly waiting for Him to reveal His plan.  Never could we have imagined this path in our lives, but we are so grateful, blessed beyond measure, to be experiencing it together.  God is good ALL the time, and His ways are FAR better than anything we could ever imagine!!!   

Grief as My Teacher

As the next few days have been creeping ever closer, I've had so much on my mind.  I knew I wanted to write a blog this week, but I wasn't sure what to say.  This may be one of the more difficult blogs for me to write as I reflect on some of my darkest days throughout this journey we call 'Grief.'  October 11th marks the day when this journey began, two years ago.  The last two years have been long.  They have been hard.  While at times they have been down right UGLY, I can now see how the Lord weaved His beauty throughout the entire process.  I just had to get through the valley in order to see that the beauty was there all along.

Today I want to highlight some of the lessons grief has taught me.  Grief is a stern teacher, who will not allow its pupils to pass the class without completing all the assigned coursework.  But, rest assured, those who put forth the effort will walk away with renewed hope, new life, and joy.  For anyone who knows the heartache of losing a loved one, I'm sure you can relate.  While I don't consider myself to be an expert on this topic, I hope my experiences can help someone else.

My Top 10 Lessons From Grief

1. I am not perfect.  

Only one man to ever walk this earth can claim that title, His name is Jesus.  With that being said, I am confident I have not grieved perfectly.  I know mistakes have been made throughout this whole process.  Sure there are things I wish I could change about how I handled certain situations, but I can't live in the past.  I must focus on eternity, asking the Lord to give me the strength for each day.

2. Grief is unique.  

Since every person is different, it's only natural that we would grieve differently.  But there's also the fact that the dynamics of each lost relationship were not the same as someone else's relationship with the same person.  I've discovered it is so important not to compare your grief with someone else's.  You may become discouraged when you see that you haven't moved along as quickly as others, or overly self-reliant if you've healed faster than some.  There is no formula to how a person should grieve, which is what makes the journey so treacherous.  We must never forget that we cannot expect another person to demonstrate their sorrow a certain way.  Each individual needs to grieve in the way that will bring about their own healing.

3. Respond in love and grace.  

Hurting people are often more likely to direct their pain towards others.  Many times it's not intentional, yet painful nonetheless.  As difficult as it may be, the best response is always grace and love.  I will admit guilt on this one.  As a mother, I have found myself lashing out at my boys more than necessary when the overwhelming feelings threaten to consume me.  I get caught up in the pressures of life as a single-widowed mother, and push that stress on them.  When this happens, I've discovered that the best way to overcome these feelings is to remember how the Lord so lovingly extends His grace to me.  I need to do the same when I'm mistreated.

4. Remember to count your blessings.  

God has blessed me with the privilege of caring for my two little boys, giving me the promise that He will sustain me through the trenches.  When I am feeling as if I cannot bear another moment of life with a kindergartner and toddler, I remind myself of how easily I could have lost them.  I haven't mentioned this in a blog, but recently I had the opportunity to see the car that claimed my husband's life.  To say it was horrific would be a gross understatement.  When I tried to locate my oldest son's carseat, all I saw was the ground.  That portion of the car no longer existed.  My precious son is truly a gift from the Lord.  A reminder that there is life after death.  Beauty can be brought out of ashes.

5. There is always a reason to praise God.  

Whatever your situation, God can be praised.  I have experienced my darkest valleys.  My most heart wrenching pain.  My deepest sorrows.  And yet . . . yet.  That is exactly where God found me, picked me up and captured my tears.  He carried me when I could no longer stand.  He brought me through the pain.  He set my feet on the solid Rock.  He provided healing to this wounded heart and hope for eternity.  He gave me a new song to sing.  A song of praise for a God more beautiful than anything this life has to offer.

6. The world is not really passing you by.  

Probably one of my worst lessons from grief, and one I'm still learning.  I am constantly looking at the other mothers around me, wondering why I'm unable to do all the things they do, often feeling like such a failure.  Then I remember: I need to cut myself a break!!!  I can't do it all because I'm just one person, and that's okay!  I would describe living in grief in the aftermath of your spouse's death like trying to manuever through life without an arm and half a brain.  Sure you can eventually figure out how to do things, but it's much more difficult than with two arms and a fully operational brain. There's twice as much work to do, and what seems like half as much time with a brain that is forgetful and consumed with sorrow.  Does that make sense?  If not, please forgive me, I still haven't gained full use of the other half of my brain!

7. Grief exposes the true contents of our hearts.  

The deepest contents of our hearts, whether good or bad, come to light once grief has settled in.  When our defenses are severely altered, our outward expression reflects what is in our hearts.  I am ever so grateful to have a loving Savior, who takes me as I am, failures and all.  He uses grief as a tool to bring awareness of the impurities in our lives, all the while refining and molding us into His own image.  He wants His children's lives to reflect His glory.  Sometimes difficult measures are needed to accomplish this task.

8. You cannot run from grief. 

No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you must deal with your grief.  It cannot be side stepped.  We can't dance around the subject, or walk on eggshells.  Sooner or later, grief will overpower, forcing you to come to grips with the harsh reality of your loss.  We are far better off to walk straight through the valley of grief, knowing that there is an end.  Harboring grief will destroy you, no matter how good you think you are at hiding your pain.

9. God is Sovereign.

I may never understand why God chose for me to become a widow at the age of 29.  Why my 1 and 3 year old sons had to lose a daddy.  But, it's not my job to understand why God planned our lives this way.  It is my job to simply trust that He is working for our good.  Our story is one thread in the tapestry of God's complete story.  One day the questions will fade away as the whole picture is revealed.

10. JOY comes in the morning.

Yes, we will be sad for a time, but PRAISE GOD it does not last forever!!  My journey is a testimony to this lesson.  I will leave you with a verse that so eloquently describes my journey.  Psalm 30:11-12, "You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever."       

**The Lord provided much of my healing through an organization called GriefShare.  I highly recommend these sessions for anyone who has lost a loved one.  For more information about GriefShare, or to find a group near you, log onto their website, www.griefshare.org.  It is never too late or the loss too far removed, for you to begin the process of walking through your grief.